This is the first thread I check these days, funniest thing on here for ages.
Coffeeholic:
This is the first thread I check these days, funniest thing on here for ages.
At least, if feeling low, it pulls one out of the ‘dumps’ 
I left Watford gap with a coffee in my hand … It wasnt long before i was getting messages from turd castle!!
I small cough was all it took to get the ball rollin !!
M6 N’bound bout 2 mile after gate 1… hard shoulder…
You know the rest…
Oh yeah i had to leave my underwear behind !
i always make sure i have a couple of carrier bags a loo rool and some newspaper handy to line the bag with.my favorite section is the football section love ■■■■■■■■ on rooneys face
Quinny:
Is there a likelyhood of this thread being mentioned in this weeks CM Rikki?I didn’t think so…
Ken.
You may be surprised 
i know its developed into a comedy thread but i started this as a genuine call for advice.
but i prefer the funny side now its going
feel better now partly thanks to the stories and partly due to time
think i’ll settle for a bucket bin liners and loo roll
many thanks all
glad some got cheered up by others mis-fortunes ha ha ha
jc69817:
think i’ll settle for a bucket bin liners and loo roll
Also do not forget that the pre-emptive strike can be your best friend. If you know you are going to be parked where there may be a lack of facilities, pop into a services or make use of any available toilet to attempt an unload. This is my preferred method and I can honestly say in 20 years of doing nights out I have never had to crap in anything or anywhere other than a normal toilet. No bags, buckets, safety helmets, boiler suits, saucepans, plastic tubs, trailers, bushes, fields, forests or undergrowth. 
Remember PPPTC*
- Pre Planning Prevents Touching Cloth
Coffeeholic:
I can honestly say in 20 years of doing nights out I have never had to crap in anything or anywhere other than a normal toilet. No bags, buckets, safety helmets, boiler suits, saucepans, plastic tubs, trailers, bushes, fields, forests or undergrowth
Which is exactly why you have no funny stories to tell!
I’ve crapped in far more luxurious bushes than some MSA’s! sometimes the most sensible option isn’t the best for your health! 
Go on Coffeeholic…take a risk and you might end up with some comedy gold…or not 
Alex
Scarab:
Go on Coffeeholic…take a risk and you might end up with some comedy gold.
No thanks, I’ll pass. BTW, the MSA’s I said I used were those in Europe not the UK, far cleaner and more comfortable than those over here, and more civilised than your bush.
Anyone remember when they first opened the then new services at thurrock they had fantastic showers and i think they were free to start with. Soon changed when (turks I think) started dumping in the showers the bloke running it got the hump and started locking them…Off to work soon so i’d best crap on…
and more civilised than your bush.
But when you need to go,you need to go,no matter where you are.
Which reminds me of a tale when I was in my rallying days.
A friend and myself,were marshaling in Clipstone forest,next to the Limes Cafe on the A614,the Old Rufford Road,near Bilsthorpe,when the urge took both of us over at the same time.
As we were stationed at a crossroads on said rally,he went one way,and I went another,while rally cars were screaming past us,at warp factor 9,which masked any sounds coming from us two,as we did what we did.
Like I said.When you need to go,you need to go.
Ken.
I prefer to take my chances in the bushes, this decision was not taken lightly. A while back I pulled into a layby east of Dorchester on the A35 to use the conveniences, it was about 0330 in the morning.
Upon entering said conveniences Officer, I observed 3 ‘gentlemen’ in a cubicle with the door open, one sat on the crapper, one in front of the crapper (presumably praying?) and the other ‘gentleman’ stood between them, I believe he was checking the overhead cistern? Not being a plumber myself I felt unable to offer any assistance and made a hasty retreat
As I came out a police car pulled in, thinking that the police might be able to assist these 3 gentlemen with their plumbing problems, I had a word with the Officers. After I briefly explained what was going on the Officer winked at me and said “thats alright mate we know what goes on here, on your way and dont let us catch you here again” 
I’ve never stopped there since 
honest
PS My wife was in the cab and didnt come to my rescue 
malcolmj:
many years ago 1981 or 82 on way bay to cardiff from shewsbury was double manning as busy near christmas anyway was in passinger seat when i needed a crap we pulled into layby undid the boilersuit droped me pants had a wonderful ■■■ got back into cab about 30 mins later Peter said whats that smell? i couldnt smell anything!! we got back to depot Dewhursts on penarth rd cardiff and id found id only pooed into the back of my boilersuit
This has got to be the most hilarious thing I have read in my enitre (short) life.
Thank you Malcolmj for brightening up a very dreary sunday.
This gets my vote for thread of the year.
I fully agree with the statement “when ya gotta go ya GOTTA GO”…
Anyone who knows turin knows the interport is “gay central” come darkness…
RH in there infinite wisdom decided this was where we were going to start doing changeovers. I had a meal one night and went to bed feeling a bit iffy. I woke up a few hours later needing to go IMMEDIATELY so i was out and under the trailer with my peachy backside doing its business… whilst half of turin slowly drove past leering
I was more nervous than Sammy Davis junior at a kkk meeting(my arse is strictly one way traffic)
I was back in that cab quicker than ever before i tell you
I’ve been a driver for 16 yrs & suffer from pretty servere IBS. The main trigger is stress, so whenever I hit a traffic jam I always need to go IMMEDIATELY!!! I love trailers with side skirts. Just pull up, jump out, bog roll in hand & walk between the landing legs. HEY PRESTO!! My own cubicle. Do get some funny looks sometimes, but I have no choice. It’s coming out regardless. Middle lane, Hard shoulder, Bus stops with people at. Even on Dartford bridge. Wherever I’m stopped. Fed up with cut legs from bramble bushes. I figure I can’t get arrested for having a medical condition so I don’t care.
snakeman112:
I’ve been a driver for 16 yrs & suffer from pretty servere IBS. The main trigger is stress, so whenever I hit a traffic jam I always need to go IMMEDIATELY!!! I love trailers with side skirts. Just pull up, jump out, bog roll in hand & walk between the landing legs. HEY PRESTO!! My own cubicle. Do get some funny looks sometimes, but I have no choice. It’s coming out regardless. Middle lane, Hard shoulder, Bus stops with people at. Even on Dartford bridge. Wherever I’m stopped. Fed up with cut legs from bramble bushes. I figure I can’t get arrested for having a medical condition so I don’t care.
snakeman112:
I’ve been a driver for 16 yrs & suffer from pretty servere IBS. The main trigger is stress, so whenever I hit a traffic jam I always need to go IMMEDIATELY!!! I love trailers with side skirts. Just pull up, jump out, bog roll in hand & walk between the landing legs. HEY PRESTO!! My own cubicle. Do get some funny looks sometimes, but I have no choice. It’s coming out regardless. Middle lane, Hard shoulder, Bus stops with people at. Even on Dartford bridge. Wherever I’m stopped. Fed up with cut legs from bramble bushes. I figure I can’t get arrested for having a medical condition so I don’t care.
That’s truly disgusting.
snakeman112:
I’ve been a driver for 16 yrs & suffer from pretty servere IBS. The main trigger is stress, so whenever I hit a traffic jam I always need to go IMMEDIATELY!!! I love trailers with side skirts. Just pull up, jump out, bog roll in hand & walk between the landing legs. HEY PRESTO!! My own cubicle. Do get some funny looks sometimes, but I have no choice. It’s coming out regardless. Middle lane, Hard shoulder, Bus stops with people at. Even on Dartford bridge. Wherever I’m stopped. Fed up with cut legs from bramble bushes. I figure I can’t get arrested for having a medical condition so I don’t care.
dude… you don’t leave it on the road do you? please tell me you put it in a bag!!
snakeman112:
I’ve been a driver for 16 yrs & suffer from pretty servere IBS. The main trigger is stress, so whenever I hit a traffic jam I always need to go IMMEDIATELY!!! I love trailers with side skirts. Just pull up, jump out, bog roll in hand & walk between the landing legs. HEY PRESTO!! My own cubicle. Do get some funny looks sometimes, but I have no choice. It’s coming out regardless. Middle lane, Hard shoulder, Bus stops with people at. Even on Dartford bridge. Wherever I’m stopped. Fed up with cut legs from bramble bushes. I figure I can’t get arrested for having a medical condition so I don’t care.
I’m sure you could get a good deal on adult pampers if you shop around (being careful not to get stuck in traffic of course)
Coffeeholic:
jc69817:
think i’ll settle for a bucket bin liners and loo rollAlso do not forget that the pre-emptive strike can be your best friend. If you know you are going to be parked where there may be a lack of facilities, pop into a services or make use of any available toilet to attempt an unload. This is my preferred method and I can honestly say in 20 years of doing nights out I have never had to crap in anything or anywhere other than a normal toilet. No bags, buckets, safety helmets, boiler suits, saucepans, plastic tubs, trailers, bushes, fields, forests or undergrowth.
- Pre Planning Prevents Touching Cloth
Anyone else wondering if Coffee has now tempted fate just a little ■■?