I confess to this one …
Another common one, is when carrying those big white nylon bulk bags of sand and aggrigates to builders merchants (inc B&Q) in curtainsider trailers.
when busting for a crap, climb in the back of the trailer, scoop out a hole in the contents of a bag, have a dump, then cover it back up. 
Just remember when you buy these products for a job at home, don`t even think about scooping out any of the contents with your hand … use a shovel
hammer:
God alone knows what is in the bloody things - quick expanding cement most probably!
I though everbody knew what made immodium work so well - expanding foam!
dont you guys know anything 
hammer:
I took two once and didn’t go for about four days
AFPMSL again!
This thread is the funniest I’ve read in a long time!
Ive just had a coffee /monitor experience reading this thread 
many years ago 1981 or 82 on way bay to cardiff from shewsbury was double manning as busy near christmas anyway was in passinger seat when i needed a crap we pulled into layby undid the boilersuit droped me pants had a wonderful ■■■ got back into cab about 30 mins later Peter said whats that smell? i couldnt smell anything!! we got back to depot Dewhursts on penarth rd cardiff and id found id only pooed into the back of my boilersuit
Another common one, is when carrying those big white nylon bulk bags of sand and aggrigates to builders merchants (inc B&Q) in curtainsider trailers.
I’ll remember that next time i’m laying a patio
this is a true story about 10 years ago a mate of mine on bulkers got parked up nice and early in a layby on the edge of a village, anyhow he thinks i’ll have a kip so shuts the curtains and goes to sleep, a bit later wakes up needing a number 2 , so opens curtain to get out and have a crap as he opens the curtain he notices in the field at the side of him a dog training school and thinks can’t go outside to have 1 so what was he going to do ?
Upon searching his cab he finds a plastic bag and so thiks that will do, but how do you crap into a bag ? After a bit of thought he perched his ■■■■ on the edge of the steering wheel (112 scania) feet on drivers seat (got the picture) carryer bag held underneath . As he said your ■■■■ hole is not quite where you think it is as he missed the bag and crapped in his shoe on the floor ! So after cleaning himself up he chucked his shoes away, when he got home at the weekend his wife said why didn’t you bring them home i would of cleaned them for you !!!
since they generally double stack 4-6 bags above the back axils, it makes a handy toilet back rest too
some exibitionist drivers do it in the bags, on flatbed trailers in daylight in the summer
peirre:
I confess to this one …Another common one, is when carrying those big white nylon bulk bags of sand and aggrigates to builders merchants (inc B&Q) in curtainsider trailers.
when busting for a crap, climb in the back of the trailer, scoop out a hole in the contents of a bag, have a dump, then cover it back up.Just remember when you buy these products for a job at home, don`t even think about scooping out any of the contents with your hand … use a shovel
This is the funniest thing I have ever read…I can’t get the image out of my head though 
they also do it with stacked pallets of bagged aggrigate product, you just have to shift the top couple of bags and replace em when youve finished. Id love to see the expression on the face of the customer at B&Q when they grab a couple of bags off the top of a fresh pallet, and uncover a richard III
anyone been shopping to B&Q coventry recently
Pulled up at a paver 1 day with that feeling that the squitters are on their way so grabbed a handful of rags [ no bum fodder you see] and walk tight cheeked to the adjacent gateway when Mr health and safety tells me to get my hi-vis on so back to the cab and get that on first,maybe i should of asked for his hard hat
Keep them coming as Rob k said this is a very funny post.
I’ve got a speedboat which me and my mates use in the summer for wakeboarding.
One of my mates got caught short the year before last and we hadn’t any tissue or anything like that, he popped his arse over the side and did his job, but then we couldn’t find owt for him to wipe on.
So I whacked the bilge pump on and bucketed some water into the engine bay, he positioned his backside over the side of the boat by the bilge pump and the powerful jet of water coming out the nozzle cleaned it up arab style! at least enough till he got home!
Good old British ingenuity Barnes Wallis would have been proud of!
Alex
Scarab:
I’ve got a speedboat which me and my mates use in the summer for wakeboarding.One of my mates got caught short the year before last and we hadn’t any tissue or anything like that, he popped his arse over the side and did his job, but then we couldn’t find owt for him to wipe on.
So I whacked the bilge pump on and bucketed some water into the engine bay, he positioned his backside over the side of the boat by the bilge pump and the powerful jet of water coming out the nozzle cleaned it up arab style! at least enough till he got home!
Good old British ingenuity Barnes Wallis would have been proud of!
Alex
That would have made a great YouTube video.
just as Nigel is nipping the turd off
AFPMSL.
Whats commonly known as a crap and snap.
I agree with Rob.This thread is hilarious.
Ken.
cant beat threads like this.
finding myself in dire need for a no2 somewhere down south i pulled into a layby on a sweeping left hand bend, however due to the bend traffic coming from either direction could see straight up the inside of the trailer so i done an emergency dash and jumped through a gap in the bushes. then it went pearshaped. upon jumping through i fell straight down a steep slope of around 40 feet into an old quarry sliding through rubbish bags and old fridges etc,etc on the way. by the time id done the business and crawled back up i looked like a tramp.
a mate of mine done a delivery somewhere in kent, arriving at the store before it opened and also in dire need he went behind a skip. later in the day when knocking off he realised he had lost his wallet and so jumped in his car and drove the 2 1/2 hour back to kent where he found his wallet behind the skip.
no one would have pinched it though, he had crapped all over it
This thread reminded me of joke taped to the back of a cubicle door some years ago.
"One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see
which should be in charge.
The brain said, “I do all the thinking so I’m the most important and I
should be in charge.”
The eyes said, “I see everything and let the rest of you know where we
are, so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The hands said, “Without me we wouldn’t be able to pick anything up or
move anything. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The stomach said, “I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of
you. Without me, we’d starve. So I’m the most important and I should
be in charge.”
The legs said, “Without me we wouldn’t be able to move anywhere. So
I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
Then the ■■■■■■■■ said, “I think I should be in charge.”
All the rest of the parts said, “YOU?!? You don’t do anything! You’re
not important! You can’t be in charge.”
So the ■■■■■■■■ closed up.
After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all
queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the
brain was all cloudy.
They all agreed that they couldn’t take any more of this and agreed to
put the ■■■■■■■■ in charge. And the moral of the story is?
You don’t have to be the most important to be in charge, just an
■■■■■■■■."
Apologies if you’ve heard it before, but still makes me laugh.
I have one for JJ72. during the time that we were moving the London Eye, we managed to find ourselves weekended in France with few facilities, however being a resourceful bunch a plan was soon hatched.
On the back of one of the trucks was hung a ladder, so that is all you need, well that, and a tyre lever to prise up the manhole cover near the drivers door. Bob was last seen disappearing down the ladder with an Andrex roll, dont know what he did with the puppy, or who was more surprised, Bob or the rats he disturbed 
Going to Spain one spring and we were one of the last trucks to get down the M20 before operation stack came in. We were just out of town with about 20 trucks behind. The bloke with me has a severe sense of urgency about his toiletry requirements so it is decided that it has to happen now!
We’re in a Magnum, not moved for about 3 hrs so he shimmies to the catwalk and does the business in a plastic bag, leaving it hanging on an air-line hook.
Eventually we get on a ferry, but it’s been such a long time, Mr Bird and the amazing plastic bag is forgotten about and we get up into the boat for some grub etc. We arrive at Calais and getting back into the truck we remember the illegal immigrant hanging on the back of the cab. For some reason, it’s decided that it would be easier to get it into the cab than leave it there and try to explain.
Off the boat and looking to make a quick escape of the port (as by now we are already running late) it has to happen, we get the 3rd degree at the final customs hut. It’s a race truck and there are no CMR notes or documentation as it’s out gear in the back for a test session in the warm and Pierre can’t understand that there is no documentation and we are there for ages getting a hard time.
Maybe this is a good time to inform you that the guy with me really don’t like the French, well, that’s a slight understatement, he 100% bloody hates them!
Being in a RH drive, the communications are through the nearside window to our local Frog hater remember and after a quite heated 30 minutes we are told we can go eventually. Crack the old girl up and have to get a bit of air in it and while we are doing this, my man is telling me why he hates them so much. Air up, into gear and the frog exterminator shouts at me to stop, just as I start to move.
He winds his window down, beckons the Custom guy back to the window and says in his best french accent, “Monsieur, a present to show what the British think of you” and hands him THE bag!!!
GO!!! he shouts and I’m away with a start that Schumacher would have been proud of, as the guy is opening his ‘pressie’ in my mirror.
I make it through the barrier before it is dropped and I’m through the port roads and onto the Motorway while nearly wetting myself with a combination of fear, shock, amazement and laughter.
It’s about 20 minutes before we get back to normal breathing and I spent the next few hours waiting for the blue lights to come flying past and haul me up.
Although we get away with it, I decide that coming home, maybe Dunkirk would be a better option!
Is there a likelyhood of this thread being mentioned in this weeks CM Rikki?
I didn’t think so…
Ken.
