Only been in this situation once. 3am January morning, woken by the urgent need to restock the lake with brown trout only to discover it was about -7 outside. Dangle the little gentleman behind a bush in those conditions…? No chance, so I lined a carrier bag with a newspaper and did what I needed to do. Even though I left the bag on the step and disposed of it in a bin a few hours later, my cab was stinky for the next 12 hours or so…never again. outside everytime if the need should arise again.
ideal solution 
One night last winter, heading south stomach starts churning, oh dear ! 
Stopped at Todhill s , asked attendant to use the toilet, no he said explained no wasn’t an option. Had to run to bushes trousers the lot off , just made it. Trousers back on where’s my keys fell out in the rush , fumbling about in the dark to find keys before I find my deposits , luckily I did. Still not forgiven the attendant for saying no !
I agree that sometimes toilets are few and far between, and especially when overnighting in a layby or industrial estate, i am sure the manufacturers of commercial vehicles could easily incorporate a hygienic toilet under the seat of the passenger seat, i think the unhygienic problem is disposing of it and it would need a lot of assistance from service area operators, just like campsites where there are proper disposal facilities and washing facilities. When i had my motorhome i had an on board toilet and shower, whereby the waste from the shower had its own waste water tank and the toilet although using a chemical to turn it into water waste also had its own slide in/out waste container, but consider the way some drivers dispose of their pee in bottles along the hard shoulder, and also when doing their no 2`s in a layby under their vehicles and just leaving it there, what would the state of our countryside be like with the same people disposing of their toilet waste the same way, i mean even when parked in a services or truck stop with all the facilities, drivers still are too lazy to use them.
Cemex Aggregates (Defecation on Load) Policy states that POA must be used (■■■ On Aggregate). Drivers must only defecate on the load if the vehicle body has a safe means of access and the load is sheeted afterwards to ensure there are no blow offs. Faeces must not be discharged with the load unless the individual pieces are within the specification of the aggregate. IE diarrhoea is suitable for 0-20mm as it is fully within these parameters. A faeces of skin ripping proportions would normally only be suitable to leave behind in a load of gabion only if the load will not be manually handled into a gabion basket by the customer.
This policy has been approved by a board of experts, shareholders and will be soon made into a video presentation, presented by Penny Mallory and used within the MPQC/DCPC course entitled “another load of crap.”
34 years on the road and weeks away at a time and reading this thread makes me feel a nit out of the loop.
Never needed to fill a bottle or a carrier bag in all that time.
I must be doing something wrong…
Although I do find the concept of either a bit revolting…
tango boy:
alamcculloch:
I once had to brake quite hard in a bus,a bit later I remarked about the terrible smell thinking that it was caused by farmers spreading dung or whatever they do.An old lady said “You are lucky,you are just smelling it because of your driving we are all sitting in it.”Proper chuckling to this
Me too! Very funny!
FLIP:
34 years on the road and weeks away at a time and reading this thread makes me feel a nit out of the loop.
Never needed to fill a bottle or a carrier bag in all that time.
I must be doing something wrong…
Although I do find the concept of either a bit revolting…
Wonderful isn’t it? Can’t use a proper toilet when they come across one, but can pish a lorry at Truckfest.
Contraflow:
Ok, it’s a bit quiet on here for a Saturday night, so let’s do this.You’ve just started a 45 minute break. It’s 11am and you’re parked in a very busy layby on an even busier trunk road.
You get that rumbling feeling in your stomach.
Last night’s chicken madras is about to make another appearance. It can’t wait. You’ve got the liquid equivalent of a turtle head poking out.
What do you do?
There was once a MAN 360 Unit with Engine leying under the Frame.
Now,they could just have fitted a Single Wheel in the Middn of Front Axle and left of it a Shower,and right of Wheel a Toilet :=)
Do those big American rigs have a toilet in them?
I was once caught short out in the countryside and had to bob down in a files behind a hedge right next to, as luck would have it, a dung pile . So, no harm done.
Those signs you used to see on trains about not going in the station was because the ■■■■ would drop straight on the track . I feel sorry for those blokes who work on the lines amongst all the ■■■■. Same as those blokes with the flatbed Transits with the portaloo’s on the back…
I remember seeing a picture of an Australian road train with a toilet seat bolted to the front bumper bar.
Dipper_Dave:
Great thread and quite relevant to me this week.
I maybe alone in this but I like to think I have a ‘■■■ Window’ i.e. the moment I think I may want a ■■■ to the moment I actually have to open the bomb doors and nip one off.Anyway presuming I’m in the later stages of this window but find myself in a layby on a 45, I will close the curtains, line a carrier bag (any supermarket will do, at this point I’m not fussy) with some tissue / loo roll / wet wipes/ delivery notes and let her rip.
My next quandary is how to dispose of my deposits, but I usually double knot it for now (maybe even a dolly knot / double hitch etc for old times sake) and dispose of it at my next delivery point.
The sense of Irony I get from depositing an Asda bag at a Tesco RDC is not lost on me.
We are beyond the ‘curious tortoise / Touching Cloth’ situation and more into the realms of ■■■■■■■ out of ones arse for this to take place though-but it happened this week. Thanks Tesco Goole
+1 Needs must and all that
To be honest it’s better this way than a lot of the facilities we have to put up with…
Had a bit of a situation myself
On route home from a show in Paris a couple of years ago about 6 of us parked in the Bp truckstop in Roye on the fri night…
Simply because it’s a nice meal but mainly because it’s open over the weekend 
. Good plan we thought…
Well we had a nice meal and a couple of glasses of vino and all hit our pits.
Next thing I know it’s 0300 and I have severe stomach pains, bought on by the 2 (yeah 2) free slices of pizza I was given while loading at the show.
So I make the decision I really need to go, off I wadddle (with a couple of clenching stops en route) to the main building to find it doesn’t open on Saturdays til 0900,
“OH BLOODY HELL”
So nothing for it I’m gonna head to next services (20kms away) all in a fluster I look at tacho to book on and find my cards been spat out (forgot my card expired at 0000) not good trying to think straight in the pain I was in, so I find my new card and insert it and I’m away to the services,
nope I ain’t gonna make it and find myself in a refuge area (in February) on the main a1 out of Paris crouched under my trailer, well I’d forgotten that 5 mins earlier I had overtaken a gritter in full flow, 
Yep you’ve guessed it while I’m relieving the immense pressure Francois in his gritter cruises by and grits my s**t and my undercarriage…
Learnt my lesson, NEVER EAT PIZZA, even if it’s free and your starving…