Ok, it’s a bit quiet on here for a Saturday night, so let’s do this.
You’ve just started a 45 minute break. It’s 11am and you’re parked in a very busy layby on an even busier trunk road.
You get that rumbling feeling in your stomach. 
Last night’s chicken madras is about to make another appearance. It can’t wait. You’ve got the liquid equivalent of a turtle head poking out.
What do you do? 
Looks like something very childish 
Close the curtains and hop onto the portabog that’s strapped to the passenger seat 
The reason I don’t have a curry if I know I’m working the following day. It makes for an eventful journey if I do.
tango boy:
Looks like something very chiildish
Has thee never found thyself in such a predicament?
If I was still on tippers, jump in the back, unload and cover it with some of the load.
Not sure I could get away with that on palletised flour though. Not even using course brown flour.
On the subject of turds, we have a driver who is renowned for going for a dump at the first drop. By sheer coincidence, it always lasts the length of the drop. 
Contraflow:
tango boy:
Looks like something very chiildishHas thee never found thyself in such a predicament?
Yep and i wasn’t calling you childish
Drive onto the nearest toilet and then re start the 45, I generally don’t let myself get that tight on driving time so it wouldn’t be an issue.
Panic…
NewLad:
Drive onto the nearest toilet and then re start the 45, I generally don’t let myself get that tight on driving time so it wouldn’t be an issue.
What about back in the real world? How new are you NewLad?
Cotswoldcrunch:
If I was still on tippers, jump in the back, unload and cover it with some of the load.
Good lad. I’ve considered this before, but never actually done it.
Great thread and quite relevant to me this week.
I maybe alone in this but I like to think I have a ‘■■■ Window’ i.e. the moment I think I may want a ■■■ to the moment I actually have to open the bomb doors and nip one off.
Anyway presuming I’m in the later stages of this window but find myself in a layby on a 45, I will close the curtains, line a carrier bag (any supermarket will do, at this point I’m not fussy) with some tissue / loo roll / wet wipes/ delivery notes and let her rip.
My next quandary is how to dispose of my deposits, but I usually double knot it for now (maybe even a dolly knot / double hitch etc for old times sake) and dispose of it at my next delivery point.
The sense of Irony I get from depositing an Asda bag at a Tesco RDC is not lost on me.
We are beyond the ‘curious tortoise / Touching Cloth’ situation and more into the realms of ■■■■■■■ out of ones arse for this to take place though-but it happened this week. Thanks Tesco Goole 
Contraflow:
Cotswoldcrunch:
If I was still on tippers, jump in the back, unload and cover it with some of the load.Good lad. I’ve considered this before, but never actually done it.
I’m a dab hand at finding a convenient bush. Been having some internal issues so don’t get much warning. No bushes or trees nearby?
I can’t poop without a pee, could get complicated
As a grown up I can manage my bowel movements pretty well, but a dose of food poisoning will mess that right up, the last time it happened was after a dodgy sausage. I had an overnight run in the middle of winter, I had a breakfast before I booked on and set off, it was snowing heavily and in the -30s but the roads were ok, I started to get a rumble and thought oooh this is going to be trouble, but there was a truckstop half an hour down the road, I could probably hold on until there.
Then disaster struck, a car lost it on a bridge and ended up on its roof, the road was now blocked and my guts were rumbling big time, my usual movements are solid, but I knew this was going to be a bit on the slushy side, so a carrier bag was not an option, especially as I was building up a lot of pressure.
So I had to do a spot of fly tipping, not the nicest thing at the best of times, but at -30 with a howling wind it was even more unpleasant, I had to face into the wind as I didn’t want any overspray coming back at me, so as I was unloading my face was freezing up (literally) I would usually be wearing a balaclava in those conditions, but the urgent nature of my departure from the cab meant that never happened.
I went through that process half a dozen times before the road reopened and nearly froze my arse off for real. I spent a good few hours in the karzi at the truckstop too, every time I wiped up and got ready to go I got another tremor and sat back down again.
It was a good while before I dared to let a ■■■■ out after that little episode
Its been a long time since we heard of the tipper man who got in the back and a bus load of Nuns /schoolgirls or retired police on their day out pulled up along side him.I dropped one between the wheels of a tipper once and decided to stop wearing boiler suits.
Although I’d never encourage such practises as standard, I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve closed the curtains and let go into a bag. I pop the bag onto the step inside the door(outdoor bit) till I can throw in to a bin. Much less embarrassing then marching through a services or truck stop covered and smelling of your own mess
I used to work with a bloke who had IBS and he ■■■■ in his cab before bed and first thing in the morning and flung the bag out the window no shame there
CraigM:
Contraflow:
Cotswoldcrunch:
If I was still on tippers, jump in the back, unload and cover it with some of the load.Good lad. I’ve considered this before, but never actually done it.
I’m a dab hand at finding a convenient bush. Been having some internal issues so don’t get much warning. No bushes or trees nearby?
There’s a hedge, but winter is coming and the hedge isn’t providing the same level of privacy it would have a few months earlier.
Beyond the hedge is a 9ft deep impassable ditch.
You are stuck in the layby.
Two harrowing experiences in my early driving days put me off Weetabix for life. Apparently it sets you up for the day, but for me it’s just a laxative and causes incredibly badly timed turtle heads.
I was delivering to a shop in The Grand Arcade shopping centre in Wigan one morning. I was parked on the bay in the service yard, waiting for the staff to come down to take the delivery. All of a sudden, it comes on & begin frantically searching round for a toilet… 5 minutes later i’m touching cloth so in sheer desperation discretely make my way into the back of the wagon, shut the roller shutter behind me and do my business in an empty cardboard box I collected from the last store. I then had to discretely exit the back of the wagon, deposit this box in the skips and then return to the cab. Another 30 minutes goes by… “where the hell are these shop staff?”, so I phone the store. "We came down half and hour ago drive but you weren’t there… “Oh yea sorry, i’d nipped to the toilet, i’m here now though when your ready”.
The best solution is avoiding the dodgy food by preparing your own stuff and eating at set times. Everyone’s been caught out and to me a carrier bag always seems preferable to venturing into the bushes of a layby.
This issue does seem to effect truck drivers more than other mobile workers. Do cabbies ever have to squat over a bag in the back of their Fiat Doblo?