(a) Motorways and dual carriageways.
You must sit doing exactly 55 on cruise for fuel economy, despite being a gas guzzler in the first place that you have no business driving if you’re not a farmer. This ensures that artics coming up behind you slowly have to pull out to get past, and take about 6 miles to overtake you because you’re oblivious to their presence. If you ARE aware of their presence, you of course must accelerate just as they get level with you in lane two.
(b) Adverse road conditions
When the weather is especially wet/muddy/snowy, you must garage your 4x4 as not to get it dirty, or actually earning it’s keep in the rough conditions.
(c) Roundabout approaches.
Overtake all artics attempting to negotiate the roundabout by cutting past them at the last second of approach, and going around in a manner that is most likley to cause the artic to veer in the path of the cyclist overtaking on the otherside (see rules for cyclists)
(d) When parked up at night.
Make sure you park in your neighbour’s parking space, because he’s just a one-car-household that doesn’t believe in wasting money on frivolities like landcruisers, Iphones and Itunes. Don’t forget to slam the door loudly at elevenses when he’s on nights.
(e) It is important to be of low IQ to own and drive an off-roader in town. Especially noticed as the very acme of “chav status” is the vehicle parked outside one’s house that has more outstanding debt upon it than the house itself!
Waiting restrictions indicated by double yellow lines do not apply between the hours of 3:00 pm and 4:00 pm weekdays, to enable the picking up of children from school. Parking on Zig-zags near crossings is not permitted unless hazard lights are used.
When you pull out of a side street in front of a truck, causing them to brake sharply, give the driver a cheery thank-you wave which will make them feel guilty about thinking what they were thinking. This is especially effective if you are an attractive female.
When driving on the motorway and you see any kind of incident, it is obligatory to slow right down to get a good look. If you have a camera phone and there are any dead people, then you have dispensation to let the car steer itself while you frame the picture through the side window.
If a truck driver annoys you in any way - even if it is by just existing, then you are entitle to take your frustration out on that, or any other truck driver, by overtaking and braking sharply in front of him, hooting your horn and pointing to a no-existent tyre problem, or phoning his employer (no need to stop while you do it) and reporting him for getting in your way.
You may not park in a bay marked “DISABLED” unless your disability is being overweight and on benefits. If claiming thus, you are expected to produce your popmobility scooter to the next-nearest police station within seven working days. (The nearest having been closed down recently!)
If the popmobility scooter is proven to be defective upon examination by a unqualified police volunteer, the council that provided it will be fined, since it is highly unlikley that the “owner” bought it with their own hard-earned cash.
On a clear sunny day you MUST have at least your front fog lights on. These must be used at all times except in fog when NO lights is a safe way to drive.
All country lanes have a minimum speed limit of 70mph as nothing large ever uses these roads,if you do happen to come across one of these large vehicles swerve into the hedge and then you must shake your fists out the window as its the large vehicles fault for using your country lane.
professional truck drivers must past other truck drivers at 51-56mph, whilst going through road works with a speed limit of 50mph.
This rule only applies when the lanes are narrow, and you must try and remove the mirror from the slower 50mph truck.
once you are in front of this inconsiderate 50mph truck, you must reduce your speed to 49mph just in-case the camera catches you. and then you must exit at the next junction.
Black numbers in red circles are TARGETS, not limits. Yellow boxes will even send you a certificate to prove the speed you have beaten the TARGET by.
Cyclists: When an articulated vehicle is attempting to enter business premises in reverse, as indicated by that cute little beep, you should always pass between either the rear off side corner of the trailer and the parked car, or the front near side corner and the fence. Bonus points are awarded for leaving it to the last minute. Daring is good. This rule is especially important in Cambridge. Do not forget, you are saving the planet by riding by bicycle.
Audi Drivers: When an articulated vehicle is struggling to access a tight driveway to a Vauxhall dealer going forward, you should park your ■■■■■■■■■■■■■ company car, right in his blind spot, as he is shunting backwards. If he waits for you to move, make sure you sit there for at least a minute blocking the entire road.
Teenagers: Feel free to add stupid lights to your car, without getting the beam pattern checked. Its only light after all, and there is a bloke that will give you a hooky MOT so that you can annoy all the drivers that are out at stupid o’clock at night trying to earn a living.
Roundabouts.
When joining a roundabout, BMW drivers MUST NOT enter the roundabout until an HGV which is already on the roundabout is less than 10 metres away and to your right. You MUST IMMEDIATELY enter the roundabout to allow the HGV driver to test their brakes. You must then exit the roundabout immediately at your first exit.
T-Junctions.
When approaching a junction to emerge left or right, you MUST cross the give way lines by a minimum of 1.5 metres to enable any HGV drivers on the major road to see you and to test their power assisted steering.
Passing Large vehicles on the left (advisory)
When a rigid HGV is signalling to turn right adjust your speed so that you arrive at the rear of the HGV at the same time as its rear tail-swing comes into contact with your offside wing mirror. If timed correctly, this will give your vehicle a small push forwards thus reducing your fuel usage. You may require several attempts over a period of several years to perfect this advanced manoeuvre.
National Speed Limit Single Carriageways.
Follow HGVs as closely as possible so as to not worry the HGV driver. If you stay in its rear blind spot, the driver will not be able to see you and will be able to concentrate on other more important issues.
Overtaking HGVs
You MUST NOT overtake HGVs on a straight, clear and empty road. Wait until you see road signs indicating ‘S’ bends ahead for 2 miles or crossroads ahead. Only overtake when it is UNSAFE at the maximum speed that your vehicle can achieve in the limited space available. When past the HGV, pull over to the left IMMEDIATELY and slow down as soon as possible. Do not wait for a safe gap between your vehicle and the HGV, you MUST ensure that the HGV slows down to enable the driver to congratulate you on your advanced driving skills. Wait for the HGV driver to acknowledge this with his headlights and horn before you accelerate away towards the next HGV.
When driving a minibus or other PLG vehicle for the purpose of “running people into work” you MUST pull up sharply in the entrance gate of the depot.
Make sure everyone leaves the vehicle in a disorderly fashion, fanning out rapidly from the drop point.
Make sure you cannot speak English, so not having to argue with the next truck that is trying to get into the gate, because he’s minutes away from the the end of a 15 hour shift.
Turning into side roads.
Under no circumstance should you wait for a Jugganaut to pass the turning, accelerate at the last possible moment & block his path as you turn, this will ensure his brakes & reflexes are working correctly & will also test his ropping/strapping skills with the added bonus that the driver won’t have to go to the Gym that night because he will have already had a work out picking his load up !
When driving west on the M4 near Bristol leave it until the last moment, before you stop texting & put your coffee down, to turn off from the 3rd lane to the M32 slip road, disregarding all other vehicles around you.
If you are a HGVdriver rest assured that if you are trying to do a blind side reverse in a busy high st,the local village idiot will be on hand to offer you assistance by standing in the blind spot and waving to the back of your vehicle.
