Laughing at all them Pat, It brings back memories of Swifts.
I use to spend too much time in the old Red Moss and there was a Swift lad seeing to Doris, one of the Daughters.
His truck was always loaded with an urgent load of Train axles, and he was always in the pub 
I remember trying to catch them pink MAN as well, never did though
That would have been Mucky Kick from Doncaster depot ⌠he was seeing to every pub daughter in the UK
Christmas week on Fed Ex
The last Christmas Hop Scotch and I were at Fed Ex, we did one delivery each for the whole week 
Christmas Eve was on the Thurs and the prevoius Friday afternoon we got our traffic sheets from the contract manager, as we walked off Hop Scotch turned back and said âHold on there mateâ (talking to the boss) âI have a Weds delivery in Glasgow and Pat has a Tues delivery in Glasgow, we ainât havinâ that mate, if we go up there Christmas week we go together or not at all "
The boss looked shocked and I explained that it was either we go together or get a contractor to do both runs. After some cheeky arguments by Hop Scotch the boss actually agreeâd to send him a day earlier with me, even though he would arrive there a day earlier, knowing that I was skilled at the art of âBSâ he said âYou had better not let me downâ
On the mon we left the yard, after having four mugs of tea to kill time that is. Heading up the M6 we stopped at various towns for Christmas shopping and eventually took 12 hours just to get from Rugby to Penrith, where we stopped for the night. Lets have our own Christmas partyâ said Hop Scotch. We had roast turkey and all the trimmings, then went up to the bar and before 11.00pm our round table was covered in empty Bud bottles I have no idea how I got back to my truck but woke up next morning with a huge hangover. After some coffee and anadins we set off for Glasgow, we arrived half an hour ahead of my tipping time and I took my notes in ⌠âOK Git yersen on tha dock ladâ said the guy.
âThereâs just one thingâ I said.
âAnâ whats that ?â said he.
âMy mate is here also, he missread the notes and is a day earlyâ
âWell ⌠he can put his feet up and weâll unload him tomorrowâ
âBut he has been away for a month and hasnât seen his wife or kidâs in all that time, he hasnât even been able to get any presents for themâ I lied
Most of the staff in the place were women who overheard this, calling him a misery guts and old miser âUnload the poor, poor manâ they all shouted 
Hop Scotch was unloaded as requested by them right alongside my truck
We set off south promising not to stop at anywhere with a bar that night, we shopped at Carlisle most of the afternoon and ended up ⌠guess where 
⌠Yep You guessed right, at Penrith again, where we once again had a few too many and I awoke next morning to my mate banging on the door of my cab shouting âLook at this lot Gintyâ (a nick name he had for me)
I opened the curtains to see about 6 inches of snow and more falling heavily, we had showers and sat drinking coffee âWeâll be having cuppa soup in the cab for Christmas dinnerâ he said, it was of course the day before Christmas eve and he was panicking. We set out at 50 mph, down Chap, in the middle lane, passing all the slow moving traffic, we ran out of snow near Lancaster, by the time we reached Wolverhampton we had worked out that if we got back that night we would have to go home and come in for a few hour Christmas eve morning so we decided to stop for yet another night out at the BP and have yet another Christmas party
We left Wolverhampton after breakfast net day, arrived in the yard at 9.30am, got our pay slips and went home for two weeks. We could virtually do what we wanted on Fed Ex and our boss didnât give a damm ⌠4 days to go from Rugby to Glasgow and back, 13 hour days and 3 nights out
Those were the days 
Pallet yards
Now Iâm not going to say who this concerns, or which company I was wit at the time, but one of our perks at one place was selling old pallets as the company didnât want them back, they didnât want to waste time collecting them and so we were told to just leave them and get back. Did we leave them Did we hell
One particular afternoon I was told I had an early collection next day near Tilbury, so run that afternoon with an empty trailer, so I could be outside when they opened. The guy who was in the office with me and had an early one in Swindon next day had a plan 
âHeâll need 22 empty pallets to exchange thereâ he told the boss, âIâll see to it for youâ he said.
I wandered out to my truck 10 minute later to find the yard guy had filled the trailer with empty pallets, âI bunged him a tennerâ grinned my mate, âKets get out of hereâ
We ran down the A5 to Jacks hill cafe where we found the pallet yard closed early "what will we do now " I asked.
"Junction 9 on the M1, A5 " he said,
âBut your going down the A43â I said.
âNot any moreâ he said.
We drove like mad down the junction 9 but they were shut up so we parked for the night and went to the pub, pondering our problem
âI know where to take themâ he sayâs âSilvertownâ
"Silvertown ⌠are you crazy " sayâs I.
âNah, tomorrow morning weâll get up early, you can run there and be there before 8.00am, then on to Tilburyâ
You have to remember that he was already well off route and I could never figure out how he had such nerve ⌠anyway next morning I set out very early for Silvertown, costantly intouch with him by way of a clumbersome truck phone with a battery the size of a briefcase. I arrived at the said pallet yard at 7.45am, "How many have yer got " asks the bloke.
â400 or soâ said I, the guy looks stunned 
then starts to unload me, I made sure 22 were left on the trailer for the pick up, which I made after a small delay and returned to the depot that afternoon, much relieved that no one was the wiser, ⌠we split our booty ⌠250 quid each
I miss pallet yards 
When I worked for Tesco in Kiln Farm there were a small group of âFun Guyâsâ I was proud to be welcomed into this fold of about 6 drivers who were recognised as the funniest and the best.
John 1 (no surnames) was a guy who was always good for a laugh and stuck to every union rule he could think of. John would never drive over 40 mph ANYWHERE One Saturday morning I had Strood changeover and saw that he had left an hour infront, I dreaded catching him up and passing him because of the ribbing I would get, but caught him at the Dartford bridge and had to sit behind him for the rest of the trip and back as far as the crossing again, where I actually got him to join me at the services for a cuppa and persuaded him to step it up to 50 mph, âDonât tell anyoneâ he said, I could never hold my face up again"
One morning we sat in the driver waiting room when Pete (the traffic manager) asked John if he would watch the phone as he was just going outside for a smoke âOf course I willâ said John.
âLet me know if it rings and when,⌠okâ
âOKâ
Pete went out and came back 15 minutes later âDid the phone ring John?â he asked.
âYes ! ⌠errrr⌠it rang at 7.25 for 4 minutes and at7.32 for 3 minutesâ said John.
âWell who was it?â asked Pete
âI donât know ! you didnât ask me to answer itâ said John.
âJohn 2â sat in the same room one morning and a new agency driver also sat there and was given a run to Tottenham Hale store âDoes anyone know how to get to Tottenham Hale ?â he asked,
John 2 grinned âI used to live thereâ he said.
âGood, how do I get there?â asked the agency driver.
âDown the M1 to the North Circular and go eastbound till you get to that new flyover near Tottenham,⌠I canât remember the exact road number but it sayâs Tottenham, go right there, through 3 sets of lights and turn left, through 4 sets and you come to a roundabout, go right there and take the 3rd on the left, my old house is the fourth one downâ
âBut whereâs the store?â asked the poor guy.
âI have no ideaâ said John2 âIâm just telling you where I used to liveâ
Astran â â ? That reminds me
Looking through the photo forum just now I notice some with old Astrans trucks in and it reminded me of a guy I worked with on Swifts all those years ago.
The company was forever branching out and in order to obtain a depot in the Kent area they leased the top bit of Astrans yard which was on a very steep hill, Astrans still kept the lower warehouses, while Swift to the top ones. If we did a night changeover there we would pull up the hill and see if âDishclothâ the driver / warehouse guy wanted the trailer in the warehouse or not. One particular night my mate âBillygoatâ (These are all CB handles) did a change over and parked on the hill as usual and went to see where the trailer had to go, he was asked to pull forward, then back into the warehouse, about to shift into 1st his foot slipped, the whole truck rolled back at great speed and demolished Astrans warehouse
At an inquest next night he got away with it saying the whole slope was covered in engine oil and fith wheel grease, Dishcloth confirmed the story on the phone
The same guy was doing Nacanco trunk one night, he was always very weary and often fell asleep, however one night he fell asleep at 60 mph on the M1 near Newport Pagnel, left the road, ploughed through a fence and into a field. Again he got away with it saying that a freak gale force wind blew his 15â6" hight trailer off the road We could never figure out why the gale force wind didnât actually blow the trailer over, instead of leaving it bolt upright in the field
WW is still there pat, ive used 100âs of handles to wind her up over the last 20 odd years
I donât think I ever knew any woman as stupid as WW
She was telling us once about her âfancy manâ, his handle was ââ â â â â Strokerâ He took her out for a ride in his truck one trip, they got to some town up north for the night out and some â â â â â â in the morning he dropped her at a transport cafe and never saw her again, she had to get home under her own steam, I think it was about 150 miles
Great trucking tales pat
WIGGY
When I drove for Swifts in Northampton we had several Skegness drivers spend the nights in our yard. One such guy was âWiggyâ I will never know how he got the name because he never wore a wig. Wiggy was full of fun every time you saw him and had us in fits of laughter, but was adamant that he would park overnight as near to the facilities as he could, thus taking up valuable room and inconveniencing the yard staff in the early hours, we found it hard to wake him up to move his truck (A very early F10). One morning after trying for about an hour with no luck we decided to tilt his cab with him still in it, he still would not give in and eventually lay naked on the windscreen for all to see
Another morning we strapped his doors shut and set fire to some pallets about 20 feet away, then banged on his cab door shouting âFIRE, FIREâ this had the desired response and I will never forget the screams from his cab and his fingers squeezing through the roof hatch trying to force it off.
Wiggy never parked there again
Wiggy was alway scrounging food and taking drivers packed lunches. We had an enormous fitter on site we called âLurchâ (but not to his face ) He always had delicious food, prepared by his wife no doubt. One morning Wiggy wandered in the canteen asking for food, as we were getting sick of it someone passed him Lurchâs lunch box and told him to help himself âAre you sure?â asked Wiggy,
"Yeah ,⌠go right ahead, Iâm not feeling that hungry today.
Wiggy tucked in and commented on how tasty the food was, then Lurch came in and went to where he had left his food, âWhereâs my [ZB] food ?â he shouted. Wiggy stopped eating with a roll stuck in his mouth, looked around at us shocked, looked at Lurch and said âI didnât know mate, ⌠honestâ
Lurch chased that guy for an hour around the yard holding a full sized trailer spring (we are taling very heavy) in his right hand, he never caught Wiggy who eventually made rapid escape in his truck, he kept well clear of Lurch after that.
Very funny Pat
Layby Toilets
During the mid 80âs a convoy of about 5 of us set out with flat beds loaded with the components of a superlift crane, we had to deliver the sections to Southampton. Amongst us was a real know it all, who the rest of us didnât like. About half way to Southampton we stopped in a layby which was set well off the road in a wide sweep. The Know all said he needed to spend a penny, but number 2âs, not just a pee, rather than wait untill we found suitable facilities he wandered off behind the hedge armed with a roll of paper (Filthy pig). One of the other drivers who was alway fooling around took a shovel from his truck and slowly crept up behind the bush, sliding the shovel underneath the pigs rear end and waited to the exact moment he though he had finished, then removed the shovel that was well loaded (If you know waht I mean), threw the contents elsewhere and returned to join us with a big grin. Some time later âThe Pigâ returns looking very puzzled we found it hard to keep a straight face thinking about him looking down and seeing nothing in place of what should have been a big pile of you know what
you have some great storyâs pat and funny .
TEA LEAF JACK
When I worked for Swifts we had an old guy we called âTea leaf Jackâ he would take anything that was not nailed down, but I have to say in praise of him he would never take from a mate. Transport cafes etc were always a prime target for him and if at any location where food was served Jack always paid the bill, ⌠sort of
I once pulled onto Leicester Forrest in front of him and we walked into the drivers section, where there was only one waoman serving, she sat at the cash register. Jack had his teenage son with him and we stood in line waiting for the woman to serve us, she came to the food section and we all asked for roast beef and yorkshire etc. Jack told us to find some seats and passed the trays of food over the rail to his son for him to bring to the table, then moved to the tea section, the same woman walked down to serve him. âThree teasâ said Jack. She served him all three and he passed two of them over the rail to the boy, then walked to the register. Cleaning her hands on a tea towel the very same woman walked down to take his money, âJust this mug of teaâ said Jack ⌠Thats all she charged him for
How the hell he had the nerve to get away with things like this I will never know
He once offered to buy teas for 6 of us at Oxford services while we sat waiting, he actually got the security guy to bring the tray to us, then said âHold on ! I have to get my wallet from my truckâ and walked out, returning through another door and sitting down while we drunk our tea, the security guy stood staring at us, which made us very nervous, he walked over to us and said âHave any of you drivers got a light ?â
I once watched him in line at Toddington taking food and pies from the display annd filling his pockets . at the register with one mug of tea a pork pie fell out of his pocket and hit the floor with a âTHUDâ ⌠everyone looked at him and he calmly said âAlright !!! Who threw that ?â
Oh Pat i havnt laughed so much in agesâŚand i`m here on my own tooâŚkeep em coming m8âŚyou gotta admit that we got away with blue murder in those daysâŚand we all looked after each otherâŚgreat camarderieâŚ
have a nice day
Very funny story Pat .
pat, you had me rolling with your shovel story.
Tommy Kelly
One of the greatest characters I ever worked with was an ageing Irishman called Tom (Tommy Kelly). Tom drove with Hop Scotch and Me at Fed Ex and made us laugh every second we were with him. He played in an Irish folk band at weekends and we would watch him wandering around the yard at work singing âRumty, tumty, rumâ.
I often had nights out with Tom and he was one of the old sort who showered once a week, he wasnât dirty, he washed and shaved every day but he considered showering to often as ânot normalâ I was at Swindon truck stop with him one night and after our meal I got up to take a shower, he looked shocked âA shower â â ? ⌠again ? ⌠but you had one yesterdayâ said Tom
Hop Scotch always ribbed him by asking if his wife âSmoked a pipe?â and you know what that means
âUgh ! sure youre a discustinâ man so yer areâ he would say.
About a year after we were all made redundant I was on Tesco and at Wolverhampton Truck stop when a blue ERF pulled up and there sat Tommy grinning from ear to ear, I got in the cab for a chat, he pulled out a clay pipe filled with baccy and said âTell Hop Scotch I smoke a pipe nowâ
Saddly Tom died soon after from cancer and we went to his funeral, it was the longest procession I ever saw apart from Princess Diâs, at the wake I stood in line for the buffet and his brother who looked more like a twin stood in front of me, he looked at the huge spread of food and said to me âThis is a beautiful buffet, tis a shame Tommyâs not here, heâd love thisâ
The Becks deal
On my last UK company we travelled to shows in the UK, Ireland, Europe and sometimes North Africa. One weekend at a show in The south of England I was looking forward to packing up and having two or three days at home as I had been out for 3 weeks. I had just got off the phone to home and told the family Iâd have some home time when the phone rang again and it was the boss to tell me that owing to a guy falling ill I was now bokked on a ferry with 2 other guys for a show at Sennelager barracks (The Rhine Army Show) departing Monday night so if I hurried and took my show down I may get one night at home. I did this and went like crazy. Monday the other 2 were waiting for me, I knew of them but had never worked with them and one who shall be nameless had a shady reputation ⌠weâll call him âTommyâ ⌠OK ! I cannot tell a lie ! that was his real name He was not too sure of me because the other guy knew his scams and to him I could be a company spy so he was weary of me.
We drove like mad down to Dover, I was alienated on the ferry and drove like mad again before stopping for some kip at the Belgian line. It was at a truckstop in Holand that they wamred slightly to me because I bought the food and booze.
On site we got military passes to enter the barracks which is rare, I put this down to him seeming to know every soldier there, this included the use of the NAFFI which he soon noticed sold very cheep Becks lager, Tommy devised a scheeme and made some calls. âI got a mate in Manchester who will take some off our hands if we get it back to Englandâ he said.
âHow much Becks ?â I asked.
âA pallet and a halfâ he replied.
Wondering how the hell weâd get a pallet and a half from the NAFFI I aksed âHow will we get hold of that amount and how will we pay for it ?â
anyway the next day, (the first show day we all three set off down to the NAFFI and started buying 12 packs stacked 6 high and paying at the register, taking them out to the supply vehicle which was loaned by the dealer at the show, this was ok untill the cashier twigged something was happening.
âHaving a party are you ?â she said.
âYep ! thats right, a big partyâ said Tommy.
âWell itâs not getting any biggerâ she replied "You canât take all the soldiers stock away. That was that, we had about 30 12 packs in the back of a van, back at the show the others there who had no access to the NAFFI bought it from us a twice what we paid ⌠RESULT
Tommy however was not happy, he still had to find a pallet and a half of the stuff for this guy back home. When the show ended and we packed up 5 days later this was the route of all his thoughts. Tommy and I had become great mates due to the fact that I actually stood up to him at one point and he bagan to respect me. Due to the fact that following him the entire route out and getting lost several times I lead the whol way back. After crossing into France my phone rings and he sugests we stop at a wholesalers at the first oppertunity, we stopped and the 3rd guy and me wanted to visit the cafe over the road âGo aheadâ said Tommy, âIâll buy the booze and join you laterâ he came along half an hour later âItâs all done and loadedâ he said.
I soon start to think about the custom at Dover âHow will you get a pallet and a half through customs ?â I ask.
âDonât worry, I have it sortedâ he sayâs.
We get on the boat and set sail but as we hear Dover I ask âArnât you worried about getting stopped at Dover ?â
âNot in te leastâ he said with confidence.
We drive off the ship, Tommy first, â â ? second and me third. I see Tommy talking to a customs officer who then looks down the line at us, we are ushered through with no problem and stop for fuel just off the docks. âTommy, how can you be so calm about this whole thing ? if they had searched you you would have been in real botherâ
âNo I wouldnâtâ said Tommy, âWhile you were in the cafe I had the loader put the booze in your trailerâ
This was not the end of the problem ⌠when Tommy phoned the buyer he had changed his mind and said the French price was too high, so we stopped at Thurrock and spent the night phoning every pub we caould think of to seel the stuff
Interesting storyâs Pat