what’s the sign of uglyness 
answer## when michael jackson comes up to you and tells you your sleeping in your own bed. 
the meaning of confidence is- going home at 04.30 ■■■■■■ smelling of cheap perfume and saying to the wife right ■■■■■ your next.
NEWS JUST IN…
The Irish Armed Forces last week fired two Rockets into Iraq,alas without any success…
The first one,the stick broke…
And the second one,the Milk bottle fell over…
Dan.
what do you say to a woman with two black eyes nothing you’v told her twice
why do women have small feet so they can get closer to the sink
only joking all yous ladies out there 
kitkat:
only joking all yous ladies out there
passes tin 'at to Kitkat
May I borrow the tin 'at?
What is the first thing a battered wife does when she comes out of hospital?
The washing and ironing if she knows what’s good for her!! 
Sorry Ladies 
Dan.
I feel bad about the last joke so here is one for the gals;
Why is a man like a floor tile?
If you lay it right first time,you can walk all over it for the rest of your life!!
Dan.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the tv when he hears a knock at the door
When he opens it he is confronted by a little Japanese man clutching a clipboard and yelling “you sign you sign” behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson says to him “I’m sorry you obviously have the wrong person” and shuts the door.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again when he opens it the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck full of brake pads he thrusts the clipboard under nelsons nose and yells “you sign you sign” Mr Mandela is getting a little annoyed now so he shoves the little Japanese man shouting “look get lost you’ve got the wrong person I don’t want them” then slams the door in the Japanese mans face again.
The following day nelson is resting and late in the afternoon hears a knock at the door again upon opening the door the little Japanese man thrusts the clipboard under his nose shouting “you sign you sign” behind him are two large trucks full of wing mirrors. Nelson loses his temper and picks the little man up by his shirt front yells at him “look I don’t want these do you understand you must have the wrong man who do you want to give these to?”
The little Japanese man looks at him a bit puzzled consults his clipboard and says
“you not NISSAN MAINDEALER”
simon
how many men does it take to open a can of beer none it should be open by the time she brings it through
SimonRS2K:
BryanH:
I lay in bed last night looking up at the stars,the clear sky and the endless horizion and in that moment of tranquilityI thought …
" Who has nicked my roof!!"Thats not a joke thats real life where i come from
simon
i take it you live in glasgow as well
Victoria Beckham is in the shower & can’t find the shampoo. Davids no help all he telling her is “its on the top shelf where I left it Girl”, In the end he explains it in a green bottle & has a big word starting with the letter S on the front. “Its no good David comes the reply this is for dry hair & I’v already got mine wet” .