I lay in bed last night looking up at the stars,the clear sky and the endless horizion and in that moment of tranquilityI thought …
" Who has nicked my roof!!"
BryanH:
I lay in bed last night looking up at the stars,the clear sky and the endless horizion and in that moment of tranquilityI thought …
" Who has nicked my roof!!"
Thats not a joke thats real life where i come from 
simon
Is the title of this thread correct 
who’s going to win the “worst joke ever award” I think your all in with a chance 
Bully.
PS Thanks for keeping them clean guys…saves me more work.
Bully
Two more clean ones Bully:-
Weather report for the Isle of Wight:
If you can see Portsmouth,it’s going to rain,if you can’t see Portsmouth,it’s raining!!
Always remember,when driving on the Isle of Wight,if you see grass in the middle of the road,it is not necessarily a dual carriageway!
Dan.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing Genuine seats and door seals.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in the chassis just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheels.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you’re trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, “Shi…”
HYDRAULIC JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disc pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood or wire splinters. See WIRE WHEEL.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large engine mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
LEAD LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under European vehicles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading but fairly accurate.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to hollow out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Machine Mart Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Paris, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that £40 clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 10 bob part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short
MIG-WELDER; very useful for making holes in your car, and then making these same holes actually bigger whilst simultaneeously attempting to make them smaller again…much quicker and a lot more effective than the boring old drill.
Mole Grips A device that’s pounds per sq.inch grip at one end is at least equal if not greater to the surface area of the blood blister produced by the handle at the other
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it’s never there when you need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time.
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Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It’s safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there’s a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a 20p and a phone box.
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Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of rusted bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
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Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Titanic to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.
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Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your time under the bonnet looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it’s because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator tops, margarine tubs aren’t connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
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Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tyre. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a “made in India” emblem is not synonymous with the user’s maiming.
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Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used cars, subtract £100.00 for each zip tie under the bonnet.
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Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime Guarantee. Let’s admit it. There’s nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said — who cares? It’s guaranteed.
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Bailing Wire: Commonly known as 2CV exhaust brackets, bailing wire holds anything that’s too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it’s not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you’ll never replace it with the right thing again.
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Bonking Stick: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you’re lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn’t know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
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A 20p and a Phone box: (See #1 above.)
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an
oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
“Nurse”, he mumbles from behind the mask, are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here
to wash your hands and feet”
He struggles again to ask, nurse, are my testicles black ?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his
gown, holds his ■■■■■ in one hand and his testicles in her other hand
and takes a close look, and say’s, “there’s nothing wrong with them!”
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and
replies," that was very nice but, are… my… test…results…back?"
An old man was crying in the street one day.A passer by stopped to ask what was causing the old gent such distress. “I’m married to a twenty year old blonde who cooks great meals for me,she does all the housework,gives me money when I want and makes love to me three times a day” the old man sobbed." For heavens sake man,why are you so upset?" asked the passer by.The old man cried “I’ve forgotten where I live!!!”
Metal
I laughed…I think
Did you notice 
Jules
andymac. That was class mate!! i dont know if i can get away with this but i will try. Lorry drivers definition of ■■■…line her up, back her in… lift the legs… connect your lines… release brakes and let her rip, tip load, dont sign anything and (zb) off quick!! made me smile anyway My gran got a new artificial leg for xmas, it wasnt her main present, just a stockin filler i got loads more but they definatly wouldnt get past the censors
edited for languagestars to get past the censor mmmm 
mrs mix
ive just found another one. i got 65 on my phone why arent women any good at ski-ing?? because theres no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom 
Two women and a man have attended the final selection process to become FBI assassins.
One by one they are called into the assessors office. The women go first one at a time. There is a handgun on the desk infront of the assessors.
“we need you to show us you have the commitment and the drive to fulfil this role. Your husband is in the next room, we want you to take this gun and go and kill him”
The first woman bursts into tears and says she couldn’t possibly kill him and leaves.
The second woman is told the same thing. She looks very solemn as she picks up the gun and walks into the room. She closes the door and after a couple of minutes silence she reappears and is in tears. “I’m sorry” she says, “there’s no way I can kill him” and she too leaves.
Then its the turn of the man. After receivng the instructions to shoot his wife he slowly enters the room and closes the door behind him. After a couple of minutes shots ring out and then there is silence. A short time goes by and then there are crashing sounds and screaming coming from the room. Just as the assessors make a move to enter the room the door opens. The chap comes out looking bedraggled and distressed. “those bullets you gave me were blanks so I had to beat her to death with the table”…
two sharks swiming in the carabean sea . eating cod. herring.the odd seal. well one day on shark said to the other bugger this i,m fed up eating fish ,i know lets go to morecombe i could with a chinnese
Ha Ha i can see the humour to it even if someone deletes it 
:):).
The Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter speed so quick that it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth closed!
Not for small eyes…
An elephant meet a camel and asks him, “why have you got [ZB] on your back?”
The camel replies, “that’s [ZB]rich coming from a fat [ZB] with a [ZB] on his face!”
Brgds
Speedy
EDITED FOR LANGUAGE CONTENT EVEN IF IT WAS SORT OF HIDDEN
ATKIG11
This seal walks into a club…
OK…I think andymac wins the prize for the worst joke
Bully
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say “I think I’ll squeeze
these pink dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?”
Who was the first person to say “See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat
the
next thing that comes out of its bum.”
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that they burn the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why
can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time but don’t point
to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician or Gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that
ACME
crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
if quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables,then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . … . . . .
Do illiterate people appreciate Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere but call
it
a hemorrhoid when it’s on the outside of your a$$?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at
you,but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?