Little Bobby was in a car crash when he was 4 years old.As a result of his injury he was blind.All of the doctors tests and operations could not restore Bobby’s sight.
One evening when he was heading up to bed his mother said to him,“Bobby,do you know what night this is?”
“No mummy,what night is it?”,said Bobby as he felt his way along the wall to his bedroom.
"This is wish night,and if a child wishes really hard on this night it will come true"said his mother.
"Really!!!"said Bobby.“Could I see again!!!”.
“Yes,” said his mother as she tucked him into bed.“But only if you wish very hard.”
Little Bobby sat in his bed wishing.He wished as hard as he could.He held his breath so he could put the energy for breathing into wishing.His little body rocked back and forth and his finger nails cut into the palms of his hands as he gripped them into his fists.Just before 4am the little boy fell asleep exhausted.
When his mother woke him up the next day Bobby said “Mummy…Mummy…I still can’t see!!!”
A man goes to the doctors and shows him a bit of lettuce dangling from his ■■■■■■.The Doctor says “That looks nasty!”. “Nasty?” says the man
“Thats just the tip of the iceberg!!”
Mrs.Smith’s washing machine broke down ,so she called an engineer to repair it.
"I won’t be in when you call"she says “but I’ll leave a key with the next door neighbour.When you get in you’ll meet the dog.Don’t say anything to him and he won’t bother you but whatever you do IGNORE THE PARROT”
When the engineer gets in the house he sees the biggest,meanest looking rottweiler he’s ever seen but the dog just lay there watching him.
The parrot however lays into him,yelling,cursing,calling him names until he snaps “Shut the (zb) up!You mangy looking bird!”
To which the parrot said “Get him Spike!”
Had to (zb) a naughty word…sorry but rules are rules. Bully
the m1 and the m6 are in the pub having a drink , when all of a sudden a little skinny road walks past the m1 and bumps into him and makes him spill his beer
the skinny road carries on into the gents, no apologies or anything.
the m1 asks the m6 to hold the remainder of his pint whilst he goes to the gents and sorts the skinny road out.
the m6 says you dont want to do that.
why not says the m1, after all im the greatest road there ever was.
the m6 says “you dont want to mess with him because hes a right cyclepath”
An old trucking joke…
Bossman of a transport company gets a phone call at 6.15 AM monday from Joe,one of the subbies,
“Not coming into work today boss”
"Why not"asks boss
“Got a broken mirror”
"You joking arnt you,whenever has that stopped anyone"says bossman
"When the rest of the truck is lying on top of it"replied Joe
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed thewrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for the Inland Revenue.”
pat &mick come over from ireland to live in glasgow, their walking down the street saying we need a job,at that point a bus goes past and on the back it say’s drive this bus for £7per hour. pat says that’s what we’ll do.monday morning they go to the bus depot pat goes in 1st,boss says can you drive a bus pat yes replies pat drove them in ireland,boss says do you know glasgow? pat replies a little bit,boss says i really need someone who knows glasgow,pat goes out and says to mick if he asks if you know glasgow tell him you know it like the back of your hand,mick goes in ,boss asks can you drive a bus ,yes drove them in ireland,do you know glasgow ?mick says like the back of my hand, boss says brilliant can you start monday,yes says mick,what area says mick? do you know bishopbriggs says the boss? bishopbriggs replies mick yes i know bishopbriggs he baptised me.
A few months ago there was a mini-competition type thing on Century FM and the question was something like, “there are 436 of these per square mile in Britain but only 2 per square mile in Australia. What are they?”.
There were many different offers but the best had to guy to the guy who phoned in and asked “illegal immigrants?”
football scout goes over to iraq and finds this 18year old, he brings him back and signs him up for celtic.his 1st game he scores a hat trick against rangers.after the game he calls his mother he says to her that it was brilliant he scored a hat trick,signed autographs and the fans love me he tells his mum, he then asks how she was? she says that she had been raped, the sister had been raped twice and that your dad had been mugged and killed, he says i feel guilty that this has happened to yous. the mother says so you should it was you who brought us to GLASGOW.
A fireman is at the station working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman’s hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says, “Hey little boy. What are you doing?”
The little boy says, “I’m pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!”
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. “Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!” the fireman says.
“Thanks, mister,” says the little boy.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.
“Little boy,” says the fireman, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog’s neck I think you could go faster.”
The little boy says, “You’re probably right, mister, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!”
A bald-headed, one-legged man receives an invitation to a fancy-dress party. Being very self-conscious about his bald head and his wooden leg, he writes to a theatrical costume supplier for advice.
A week later he receives a large parcel with a beautifully written letter.
“Dear Sir, we have sent you a pirate costume. You can cover your bald head with the spotted scarf, and with your wooden leg, you will make the perfect pirate”
The man is very angry, since this will simply draw attention to his wooden leg. He fires off an angry letter.
A week later, another large parcel arrives with another beautifully written letter.
“Dear Sir, we have sent you a monk`s outfit. The long gown will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will make the perfect monk”
The man is even more furious since this now draws attention to his bald head. He fires off an even angrier letter.
A week later, a very small parcel arrives, with a scribbled, hand-written note.
“Dear Sir, we have sent you a tin of treacle. Pour the treacle over your bald head, and stick your wooden leg up your arse. You can go as a toffee-apple, you miserable git.”
silly joke time. pat & mick walking down the street mick see’s this mirror lying on the ground,mick picks it up he says to pat i know the face but i can’t put a name to it pat says give it here,pat turns to mick and says it’s me you idiot.
