The TM lands me in the shi…CRAP!!
This week’s little tale is less of a ’newbie learning experience’ and more of just an ’experience’……
I would like to preface my tale by relating a totally non-lorrying event from a while ago….So if you will bear with me…….and allow me a little ’poetic licence’….as usual….LOL……I will eventually get to the point….I promise!..………LOL…
More years ago than I care to admit; a mate of mine got hired by a major Airline as a ’Ramp rat’…….you know……one of the swarm of folks that surround the aircraft when you pull onto the gate to let the ‘geese’ out and load up the next lot…….
So……The first day, as the ‘newbie’, he was given the job of driving the ‘Honey Wagon’…….emptying the loos and servicing them with new ‘blue goo’……
After being ‘shown the ropes’ for 4 or 5 aircraft; he was sent out solo…He said that, at the time, he was not particularly worried as it is a pretty simple operation….Hook up the large….approx. 6” diameter…….hose to the ’dump valve’ (pretty funny name when you think about it……LOL…)… pull the T Handle to ‘dump’ the contents……hook up the ‘fill hose‘….fill with new ‘blue goo‘….disconnect….close the access door and away you go….job done….easy as!
Anyway…he pulls up beneath the aircraft…goes through the motions and pulls the T handle……whereupon; he is promptly ’showered’ in the contents of the loo……….LOL………apparently he had not snapped the ‘locking ring’ on the hose into position properly….Here endeth lesson number 1!!..…………Always double check your connections!!...Just like on a truck….LOL
Having wiped himself down….He pulls up under the next plane and hooks up again……Making sure the locking ring is properly in position….LOL……pulls the T handle and immediately takes another ’sewage shower’…….
After finishing the aircraft, he heads back to the Operations Centre to clean up, wash the wagon off and change overalls etc….desperately hoping that nobody had noticed his little mishaps….LOL….As he walks to his locker, he is met by a crowd of other ’Rampies’ complete with a new set of overalls, boots, a large bottle of disinfectant and a huge sign saying; “Welcome to xxxxxxx Airlines!”……LOL……
Apparently he was the victim of their version of ’initiate the apprentice/new guy’……LOL…… You know….”Go to the parts store and ask them for a ’long weight’…or ’left handed screwdriver’……’box of sparks for the grinder’ etc, etc………
The wagon he had been given had a known defect on the hose connector and was awaiting maintenance……Rotten sods!!..…LOL……
Here endeth lesson number 2.………When you are a ‘newbie’; Never trust anyone that tells you that the job is easy!!……
Anyway, after he finished telling me the tale; I said to him, “Maybe you should just quit and do something else for a living!….His reply?
“What? And give up on a career in aviation??!!”…………LOL….
And so; to the story……………
Pete and I just knew that something about Monday’s first pickup was gonna be different………The normal paperwork had a note attached saying; “Do not go to the address shown for the business - the post code is only for the centre of the nearest village. The tyres are at the location marked on the attached map.“….blimey!
Attached to said paperwork was a photocopy of a section of OS map with a big red arrow drawn on it pointing to a location in the countryside down some tiny country lanes….This should be fun……and a note on the letterhead of a Firm of Surveyors, saying that “The tyres are located along this road beside the ‘hedgerow’”……’Hedgerow’■■..…Who uses that kind of language these days……LOL………
Also in the paperwork was a note saying that initial approval of a charge up to £1500 was given and that we MUST carefully track the number of each type of tyre, to ensure that this amount was not exceeded……included was a pricing schedule…Car and van tyres £ x each……4x4 £ x each……Heavy truck £ x……Tractor and Agri £ x each and so on…………Oh joy…Now I’m an accountant too!!!..……LOL
Preflight checks complete; we roll into the early morning mists and ‘head west’ to the wild country………just north of Daventry……LOL…
It’s a beautiful morning as the sun begins to rise…………even the Pylons take on the air of rather ethereal modern sculptures as they seem to ‘float’ about 20 feet in the air cushioned on a ‘billowing sea of mist’………and they say romance is dead!..…LOL…………
Pete is Pilot-in Command this morning; So, comfortably esconced in the passenger seat, I set about making us a fresh ‘brew’………….A few minutes later….steaming cup of java in hand, watching the countryside roll by….all is right in my little world and I remark to Pete that; “At times like this, I love my job!”……………He grunts…”Yeah. Whatever”………
Hmmmm……….maybe he’s not such an early morning person………LOL
Assiduously applying my best Boy Scout map reading skills, I manage to navigate us to the point shown on the map…………….“This is fun; sorta like a treasure hunt. You know; ‘X marks the spot!’“, I say to Pete………LOL…And; sure enough, exactly where marked, there is a huge pile of tyres awaiting us…………”Some treasure!”……remarks Pete….LOL…………
Here is our ‘treasure trove’…
My word processing program just threw a ‘wobbly’ and I lost some of this. So I re-typed and am posting now in order to save…I hate Microsoft - Bill Gates is the Devil’s spawn…LOL…Please be patient - Lots more to come…
We climb out of the cab and wander around to assess the situation…….and are immediately assaulted by the……shall we say ‘aroma’!!!..……….LOL……
The ‘pile’….which measures about 10 feet high, 40 feet long and 15 feet wide……… is sitting in a gully about 2 feet deep, at the bottom of a large concrete ramp…….At the top of the ramp is this:
A small mountain of cow shi……….errrrm……….manure!!
And no……Pete is not holding his nose!! He is merely havin’ a ■■■….Possibly trying to cover up the stink; methinks!!……LOL
Apparently, the farmer had at some point constructed a ‘tyre wall’ compound to contain his stock of ‘natural fertilizer’. Although this seems a perfectly reasonable solution and good use of something that is very hard to dispose of, the Environmental Agency now frowns upon it……In fact; used tyres are one of their ‘hot items’ right now; as can be figured out from the number of news items in the media these day!
So; They had ordered him to dispose of them……Massive fines to be imposed if not done properly etc., etc…………. Therefore he had dug them out with a large JCB and ‘tipped’ them into a pile at the bottom of the ramp……Hunted around for someone to collect them and; Hey presto! Here we were!..….Just typical of my luck!!..……LOL
The problem we now faced…….well; one of several; more in a bit…….was that being downhill from the manure pile, and England being England i.e rainy……All the…….errrrm…….’slurry’ had washed down the slope and accumulated in the gully forming a 2 foot deep lake of shi………crap….in which the tyres now sat!!
More in a minute…
And we’re back…
The other problems…….well; to quote the Good Book……They were Legion!!
About 60% of the pile consists of large truck tyres……very heavy!
Approx. 20% is tractor/agri tyres….including 5 or 6 that are about 7 feet in diameter and 3 feet wide….Extremely heavy!!
Why is that a problem?..…Well; remember my previous post? Our TM had once again, conveniently, ’forgotten’ that the old girl does not have a taillift!!
“Well you handled that before by building a stairway from tyres and ‘muscling‘ them in. Why is it a problem now?”……Do I hear you ask?
True enough……and I am perfectly willing and capable of doing so again. But; and it’s a pretty big But………Having been dug out of a manure pile, these tyres are covered in ‘cow poop’ and instead of being full of rainwater, which we are used to and don’t even worry about, they are full of …….errrrm…………‘slurry’!!
Well anyway……Me being me; stubborn SOB and all that; I will not be beaten………So we donned our waterproofs; I took a deep breath…wished I hadn’t 
………LOL………. and got on with it. I climbed the pile and started ‘■■■■■■■’ the tyres out and rolling them down the heap to Pete……He started organizing them….and moaning………sorting them by size and type for the ‘accountancy phase‘……and whinging………beginning a tyre staircase……and whining…………LOL……….I got the impression he wasn’t happy!!
There was a lot of …….errrm.……‘Speculation’ about the TM’s parentage……It all seemed a bit familiar somehow………Then I thought, “Blimey! He sounds just like Muttley/Rob!!”………….LOL…………Here we go again!..……….
Here I am, ‘on top of the world‘…………You can call me Leonardo…
We spent the next four hours or so heaving the tyres out, sorting them and muscling them up the ‘staircase’. I climbed into the back and started stacking them floor to ceiling………At one point, as I started to lift a ‘super single’ up onto a stack, I heard Pete say, “You’ll never get that up there!...Oh and you did!”………….LOL……………Like I said; Stubborn SOB, that’s me!
We ran out of space in the wagon and reached the £1500 limit at the same time…….having loaded less than one quarter of the tyres there….Just for fun, and in order to be able to see the look on our yard mens’ faces when the doors were opened; I made sure that we stood one of the huge Agri tyres right at the back doors……although even I must admit……I was not sure at one point whether or not we could raise it into a standing position………Pete’s face went bright red as we strained to lift it and, I may have………errrm…….passed wind?..……Not that you could smell it in that environment!!..But at least it made Pete laugh!!
LOL
Some more pics:
Pete tries (unsuccessfully) to stay out of the crap!:
“Hey Pete, just pull that one out of there for me would ya?”:
Pete with one of the smaller Agri tyres:
By the time we left, we were pretty much covered in crap. At some point, I had become too warm in my jacket and discarded it. My jumper was pretty caked in poop………I had also learned a couple of valuable lessons…….When sweating; it is not a good idea to wipe one’s face with the back of one’s hand……without removing one’s gloves! Also; do not scratch or rub one’s head!! Manure seems to work pretty well as a ‘hair gel’ and just like ‘Just for men’ disguises the grey hair………But; I believe the smell may somewhat discourage the ladies!..……LOL
Oh yeah; speaking of young ladies……………
About half way through loading; a fancy 4x4 pulls up in the lane and out climbs a seriously good looking blonde………‘High maintenance’ ‘Horsey’ type all the way………She approaches the wagon and introduces herself……frightfully well spoken…“What ho!” and all that……Turns out that she is with the Chartered Surveyors firm that have been given the task of getting the tyres sorted by the Estate!...Blimey!..We’re working for Lord Somebody or other!..I say!
LOL
Well; being a polite sort of fella…and not wanting her to have to look straight up past the ’wedding tackle’ and up my nostrils in order to talk to me…… I crouch down in the wagon and chat with her for a few minutes……She seems nice enough and grateful that we are even willing to do the work. I give her the bad news that it will cost 4 or 5 times their initial £1500 approval to get the job complete and she promises to sort it out……Pete later told me that ,whilst talking to her; I began to sound like her - apparently matching my mode of speech to hers!..……LOL
Well; One does what one can. Does one not?..………
LOL
Having done my best to impress her; I started to stand up……remember my knackered knees?..………Naturally; They chose that particular moment to refuse to cooperate and I stumbled and went ‘■■■ over teakettle’ into the sludge, slime and crap that was about 3” deep all over the floor of the wagon!
Impressed?…………She ■■■■■■ herself laughing!! 
Oh well………………………
Once back at the yard, I wander into the TM’s office…he is on the phone…I stand and wait…Eventually the ‘perfume’ begins to permeate the atmoshere of the office and his eyes get big…“Oh my God! Is that smell you?..Out!! Out!!”…LOL
I open my arms wide and walk towards his desk…“Giss a hug darlin’.”, I say…He runs into his bathroom and shuts the door!
LOL
We eventually have a little meeting…outside…LOL
Pete and I both let him know, in no uncertain terms, what we thought about that day’s assignment!! Plus we demanded, and got, all new hi-viz gear, gloves and boots (Ours were in the back of the wagon as we had stripped them off prior to driving home)…farmer Dave subsequently ‘ceremonially’ cremated them in a skip at the back of the farm!..LOL
When I got home that night; My little dog actually ran away from me! SWMBO made me strip off to my skivvies outside the back door, run upstairs and take two showers before I was allowed to rejoin humanity!!..
The good news: The trip was extremely profitable for the company and they are well happy! 
The bad news: We were told last night that we are going back Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday to get the rest!!
As we closed up the yard that night; Pete said to me, “With your qualifications, I can’t believe you want to do crap like this for a livin’! Why don’t you get out and go and do something different?”
To which I replied; “What and give up on a career in trucking■■?”…
I WANNA JOB