oooh ur getting near my area, have you been in Grantham yet, nice roads for you there, and low bridges everywhere lol
Not as funny as I speak, I’ve been told I sound like a cross between a Brummie and a Northerner. Comes of living in Nuneaton but being born to Nottingham parents and growing up with half their accent.
Well; it’s been a couple of weeks since my last little report…time for a quick update I reckon… 
Happy to say that PSSSSSSHT! is still one of my favourite sounds!.. 
As for the job and the driving; The more I do it, the more I am liking it!! I should have done this a long time ago!!
■■■■■■■ 800 to 1000 tyres everyday is not particularly fun, especially when filled with water…Even less fun when they have been sitting for several months and said water is stagnant!!..Peeeeeuw!!..Yeeuch!! My nice shiny new Hi-viz waterproofs are now a lovely shade of blackish grey…very attractive!!..Mind you, they sorta go with the hair now!!..Might have to go back to pink…Wadda ya think?
LOL
I really miss working with Rob/Muttley…Even when things were tough, we always had a laugh and always had loads to natter about!
My new ‘Mates’…Yes, there has been more than one…LOL…Well; what can I say?
Owen; the bloke from the yard…Hmmmm…Went out on the road with me for two days, last Thursday and Friday…As I mentioned in a previous post; nice enough chap but not much of a conversationalist!!..LOL…Must have said the same thing about 3 dozen times over the course of two days; “I see the price of diesel is creeping back up”…end of speech…In fact he very much reminded me of his namesake from ‘The Vicar of Dibbley’!!..Especially the way he talked about livestock on the farm where he worked several years ago…Only time he showed any animation at all!!
LOL
Anyway, the TM called me up Friday afternoon and told me that Owen was going back into the yard Monday morning and that we were getting and I quote, “A couple of JobCentre rejects”, on a two day work trial. 
… Said he would meet us at the yard, first thing Monday, to give them a quick induction…Which he did…"Hi. I’m Mark. This is Simon, he’s your driver. Just do whatever he tells you. Here’s your waterproofs and gloves. Have you got ‘steelies’ on? That’s good. Have a good day! See you later!..3 minutes tops, I reckon… 
…
So off to the wagon we trot…
After introducing myself and a short speech about what we are going to be doing, met by basically ‘monosyllabic grunts’ that I roughly translated as, “OK”, we set off…
An hour later…I have forgiven Owen his conversational shortcomings and would willingly listen to a discourse on the attributes of various ‘bovine’ creatures…In fact I would even love a chat about the ups and downs in the fuel commodities market…Anything…Sing to me in Swahili…FFS!!..I don’t care!!!..Just make a noise…Anything…Pleeeeease!!!
LOL
Two hours into the trip and I have resorted to praying…Please God; let me have Rob back…Or even Owen…I’ll say 10 ‘Hail Mary’s’ and 10 ‘How’s your Fathers’…or whatever they are called…And I’m not even Catholic!!
LOL
I swear, I even tried British Sign Language…I think he thought I was having a seizure!..
LOL
More in a minute…posting now to avoid losing it; like happened a couple of times ago…back in a jiffy!
Right…Where was I?..
Oh yeah…By the end of the day, I have succeeded in finding out that he is 21 and his name is Adam…“Just like the first man, huh? Is your girl friend’s name ‘Eve’ by any chance?”…LOL…Blank look!..Sheesh!..
Thinking about it now, I may have made a mistake right at the outset…Remember my earlier post where I made the remark about short days being over?..Well; Shortly after leaving the yard, I ask Adam if he minds working long hours and inform him that 12 to 13 hour days will be the ‘norm’ and not the ‘exception’…“Don’t mind. Want the hours. Need the money.”, he grunts…
Result!!..
I (jokingly) tell him, “Well then mate, I can tell you right now that I already love you!”…LOL…With 20/20 hindsight…Not too sure now…But maybe he did not get the joke?.. …In fact, thinking back, his eyes did get rather big!!
LOL
Then we get to our first pickup…Adam is quite tall…6 footish…but quite ‘slender’…well, maybe he’s one of those ‘wiry types’…you know slender but strong?..Hell no!!..He’s just weak!!..LOL…I start by having him chuck the tyres in the back while I ‘stack and weave’ to make sure they’re all gonna fit…He can only lift one car tyre at a time and really struggles with 4X4 or light truck tyres…OMG what now? At this rate, it’s gonna take several hours at each stop FFS!..OK then… “You stack 'em: like so”…(demonstrating)…“I’ll chuck 'em in!”…“Let’s hustle!”
I chuck a few in and watch to see that he weaves them properly…surprisingly, he does ok… …So, I start chucking 'em in…
A couple of minutes pass and I look up to see him slowly disappearing from view behind the growing pile of tyres that I am ‘supplying’…So I jump up in the wagon to see what’s going on…Oh hell!!..He can’t lift them above shoulder height…What to do now?..
Back to plan ‘A’ then… “Ok mate. you go back to slinging 'em in here, I’ll stack. But…lets get a move on! OK?..We need to get about 100 loaded every 15 mins in order to get done today!!”…
After about 5 mins…I am beginning to get frustrated again…As he ‘meanders’ towards the wagon…I cup my hands around my mouth and, in my best Alabama accent, yell…“RUN FORREST, RUN!!!”…He jumps about a foot in the air but, amazingly, actually speeds up considerably!..
LOL
Posting again…
Sorry guys…Too ‘knackered’ to finish tonight…Lots more to tell…If you want…LOL…and I have not forgotten about that ‘Thursday’ or the ‘Stout length of chain’…I promise…or should that be ‘threaten’…LOL
Oh yeah.almost forgot…had my first ‘Breakdown’ too…had to get the ‘MAN’ man out to see me…
More tomorrow
Night
Keep it coming spd Makes a great read
Imagination is a wonderful thing!
Stu
Imagination■■?..Are you implying that I’m making it all up■■?
I swear it’s all true!!!..Maybe a little ‘skewed’ by my slightly warped outlook on life…but true; I say!!! 
LOL
Great diary spd0121 really enjoy reading it 
Imagination■■?..Are you implying that I’m making it all up■■?
Not at all, its MY imagination, not yours, the picture I make from YOUR description, BRILLIANT.
Sorry for any confusion 
Stu
No apology necessary mate!..The above comment was made with tongue firmly in cheek!.. 
I guess that is the only problem with a forum like this…sometimes the ‘tone’ of the post is a bit tricky to decipher. The smilies help, but don’t really give the whole picture; do they?
Anyhoo…Back to the ‘story’…Are we sitting comfortably?
LOL
To cut an already long story a bit short…By the time this last Friday had rolled around, Adam is making progress…he is still too slow for my liking, but at least he is trying…At one point on Tuesday…having returned to the ‘Hellhound’ place in Norwich for our usual Tuesday pickup of 500+…I got so frustrated with him walking across the yard to pick up one tyre then walking back and putting it into the back…that I jumped out and told him, “It’s gonna take forever if you do it that way…Just stand by one of the piles of tyres and sling 'em over by the fence, into a pile…Then, go to that pile and you can stand there and chuck 'em in…Then, while I stack them, you can sling another pile over to the fence…ad infintum…it’ll be a lot quicker…Like so!”…I proceed to give him a ‘Frisbee’ chucking demo…Only problem was…as mentioned, I was a bit ‘frustrated’…I may have been a bit too keen…One of the ‘frisbees’ sailed clear over the 6’ fence and bounced off the bonnet of a car in the parking area of the bodyshop!! …Oooooops!!..LOL…Fortunately, It was waiting to go into the shop for body work on the front end. So no real damage done…Must be a bit more careful in future…Hee hee…
One really good point in Adam’s favour…He has showed up every day and much to his credit, given my almost pathological hatred of being late, he is always on time or even early…So kuddos to him…
Oh yeah…you have, I am sure, heard the old expression, “The worm has turned”…Well, along about Wednesday…In my increasingly desperate attempts to get him to open up and talk…I happened to ask him about his car…A little 2001 Renault Something or other…“It was a 21st Birthday present from my Gran.”, he tells me…“But what I really want is a Mark 1”…Well; Being somewhat amazed to have finally wrung a complete sentence from him, I bit didn’t I?..“A Mark 1 what?”…I asked innocently…Well bugger me!!..talk about the floodgates opening!!..“A Mark 1 ■■■■■■”, he replies. And I wanna. tear out the motor and put in…then…suspension…Benbo brakes…horsepower…torque…twin carbs…edelbrock manifold…My mate has a…bllah, blah, blah de blah…FOR HOURS!!!..Oh Christ!! I’ve created a monster!!!
LOL
Since then…I have had a non-stop monologue…can’t call it a diatribe, as that implies a two sided converstion…Almost every car we see…i am informed of the engine size, horsepower, torque…Mate has…0 to 60 in…An so on, and on, and on, and on…His knowledge of cars is ‘encyclopaedic’!!..I’m beginning to think I have got ‘Rainman’ as a Driver’s Mate!!..LOL…If he mentions K-Mart, Im gonna ‘Nut him’!!..LOL
As for his real ‘passion’…American cars…God; don’t get me started!!..No wonder he did not understand the ‘Girlfriend’ joke…Don’t think the kid has ever had time for one…Must spend all his time with his nose in car and customizing magazines…I swear he could win Mastermind!!..By Friday, my ears were beginning to bleed!!..
LOL
Guess it just goes to show that you really do have to be careful what you wish for!!..
A brilliant picture you paint, or like you my warped sense of humour
Suggest he listen to the air brakes going on…PSSSSSSSHT and proceed to explain how they work 
Stu
new people are going to be slow compared, hate when people say omg he’s slow as ■■■■ and he only done a day, what do you expect, i know it can be frustrating as it ■■■■■ up your speed and Rhythm as your upto speed but…
oh, on another note, how about adding some pics?
jonoD:
new people are going to be slow compared, hate when people say omg he’s slow as [zb] and he only done a day, what do you expect, i know it can be frustrating as it [zb] up your speed and Rhythm as your upto speed but…oh, on another note, how about adding some pics?
Sorry mate…Adam is so friggin’ slow…I ain’t got time to take pics!! 
Sorry also that you, “hate when people say OMG he’s slow as [zb] and he only done a day”…
As noted in the above post, these ‘blogs’ are ALL written with “Tongue firmly in cheek”!!
Adam is a good lad, I really like him and will be helping him out as much as I can…
However…walking at ‘geriatric’ speed whilst attempting to do ANY job has never been an acceptable practice anywhere that I have ever worked…
Also; As I told him; he is 28 years younger than me and should be ashamed that a man almost 50 years old can ‘outwork’ him…He should be running me to death!!
And; since we seem to be in ‘criticism’ mode: How about some punctuation?
LOL
Punctuation?
There is never any left after you type out your essays
as for full stops, I’D NEED A BAILOUT FROM THE GOVERNMENT!!!
…
…
…
Really though, i would be interested if you got one or two piccys, make use of your man OoOoOo SAILOR! 
Full stops?..Have you no education sir?
A series of dots… is called an ‘ellipsis’, the plural being ‘ellipses’.
Ellipses may be substituted for full stops, commas, semicolons or even full colons and provide a longer ‘pause’ than any of them!!
Full stops indeed!! Pah!!
P.S. I will indeed post photos…I forgot to take my camera last week!
LOL
A SERIES of full stops/dots, jeez sir, so pedantic 
Good lad about camera
spd0121:
This coffee is going cold I keep having to drink it alone!!
Thought on Adam, ask him what his favourite yank motor of all time is (ear plugs needed for the rest of the day) when established suggest he might like to imitate it’s speed when working, let’s now take bets if its a classic muscle car Charger or poss trans amm 6.6 or modern yank then corvette z06.
sod it need more coffee, keep up the good work… wears me out reading about your work load think I will stick to being a trailer jocky.
Have a great week
I’ve really enjoyed this diary brilliant reading takes me back to when i first started.I drove one of those man trucks about 4 years ago 06 plate im sure the diff is a rocker switch somewhere by the stereo.I might be wrong and could be thinking of a different vehicle.It might be by the handbrake behind the gear lever i know the one you drive is an automatic but the handbrake im sure will be in the same place.Once again a cracking read
Well now; about that ‘diff lock’…Why did I ask…
It came about on the Friday following the last snowfall…You know; ‘The Blizzard of 2009’ as reported on channel 4 last night… …they don’t now what a bloody blizzard is FFS!
Anyway…Our yard at the farm is very muddy…as noted before…and also somewhat space restricted for the number of vehicles and trailers now using it. In fact; it is just about impossible to turn the 18 tonners around there…thanks to a very inconveniently placed telegraph pole…So; about 400 yards farther up the farm track, is a wide spot that turns into another track…perfect place to swing in to the right, hard left…stop…(PSSSSHT optional)…LOL…reverse back and then pull out the opposite direction…Bob’s your Aunty…Luvvly jubbly!!
This particular Friday, Rob and I were last in…as per usual…having done a double trip…as per usual…LOL…We backed onto an artic trailer and tipped the tyres…racing to get done before the last of the light faded. Once finished, the yard lads buggered off home and we fired 'er up and pulled up the track to the wide spot…Oh crap!!..One of our ‘artic’ boys had dropped a flatbed trailer…neatly centered in the space and at 90 degrees to the road…Oh well…here goes…past the nose of the trailer…PSHHHHT…(sorry, just had to put that in there)…climb out and go have a gander. Bit tight, but reckon I can bend it backwards round the trailer and then pull out as per usual…PSSSSSHT and back we go…Yes!!..Get in there!!.. Select ‘D’ and away we go…The ■■■ end promptly goes 8 feet sideways in the mud; down the camber!! FFS!!..Oh bugger!!..Get out to look…Hmmmm…the rear tyres have made a perfect ‘U’ shaped trench down the slope to the edge of the field…nice!!..Wonder if I should plant some ‘tatties’ in it…seems a shame to waste it really!..LOL…Right then…back inside…select ‘Dm’ (Gears 1-4) and try again…gently…LOL…Nope: just two more feet of ‘trench’!!..What now…Oh yeah…try the ‘diff lock’…Let’s see…diff lock…errr; diff lock…where the hell is the diff lock switch?..Does not appear to be one!!..Oh ■■■■!! What the hell do I do now?..Try ‘rocking it’…just about impossible with an auto…especially one that takes a second or two to decide that you have selected ‘D’ so therefore you do actually want ‘D’ . Same with ‘R’…FFS!!..Only result is about another 2 feet of trench!!
I send Rob back to the farm to see if by any chance one of the yard lads is still there and can come ‘give us a tug’ with the reach truck…in the mean time, in the rapidly fading twilight, I get down on my hands and knees in the ice, mud and muck…searching underneath for the ‘towing eyes’ that I just know have to be there somewhere…No joy…Well where the hell are they then?..
Rob returns…“Sorry mate. All the lads are gone!”…I am just about to cry…LOL…when he adds, “But, Farmer Dave is gonna get the reach truck and come and tow us out.”…Result!!..But where the hell are we gonna attach the chain?..Back down on my knees in the muck…Lean way under the front end desperately searching…hanging grimly onto the bumper to stop myself going face first into the glop…I feel something move under my hand!..I come out from under the front and notice that the number plate is attached to a rather flimsy plastic plate…I give it a pull and bingo!! It hinges down and there is a lovely towing pin!!..Blimey!!..A ‘Flipping’ number plate!..Very James Bond!!..Wonder if I can get one for the back??..Sod the speed cameras…LOL…
Farmer Dave duly arrives and we hook upthe aforementioned ‘stout length of chain’ and he drags us out onto the main track…“Thanks mate…very nice of you. I’m just so glad you were there or we would have been stuck 'til morning!”…“No problem.”, he replies…“See ya’ tomorrow”…I give him a big thumbs up and he turns the reach truck around and starts to head back to the farm…Then stops and motions us over…Rob and I walk over to his truck and he pops his head out of the door…“By the way…If you boys feel the need to do any more plowin’, let me know and I’ll get you in a proper tractor in one of the fields during daylight hours!”…Cheeky Sod!!..LOL…Laughing his head off; He closes the door and disappears into the night…
PMSL!!
LOL