Telephone or at the front door, how do you deal with them?
Now we’ve got kids I just hang up but I used to wind them up. Once told a bloke when he asked for the wife that she couldn’t come to the phone as she was under the patio.
Just say “before you go any further I am retired and I have no money”. If they ask is this your own house say no it’s rented, that always works. 
This is my mates main hobby & over the years he’s become expert at keeping them on the phone at their expense.
He has an hilarious old recording of a double glazing salespitch which I’m sure would go viral if put up on Yootooobe.
In the current wave of PPI reclaim scams, he tries to convince the call centre monkey to take out a loan with PPI so they can reclaim it & split it 50/50 with him, & he has a VERY convincing argument !
i find that keeping silent when you pick up the phone works . a large percentage of the calls are activated by your voice .
I love these calls when I’m bored,I set myself a little challenge to see if I can get them to hang up on me.
Tell them that yes I had a loan for 25k and the bank told me I had to take out PPI,the excitement in their voice is immense,then I give them my address but as its spelt funny I spell it out to them,it’s w a n k e r place, w a n k e r v I l l e post code FU2k UU.
Blow a whistle loudly does the trick.Or pretending to be a dog barking down the phone gets rid of them while shouting " Sit down Shep ".
Shep was John Noakes dog from Blue Peter.
I make it my mission to get them to hang up. The latest is they’ll say, “good evening, how are you today”
Cue my chapter and verse about every possible ailment I have ever heard of, plus a couple of made up ones. Make it last for 10 minutes and listen for the click.
Or bombard then with questions. If they’re ringing from overseas with a pretense to be UK based, ask them the weather, the local time, latest in East enders or Corrie.
Again, wait for click.
I told a cold caller I was Carryfast, they hung up immediately.
I’ve heard of people blowing whistles and air horns down the phone, but could this constitute assault?
toby1234abc:
I told a cold caller I was Carryfast, they hung up immediately.
Toby, you owe me a new laptop as I’ve sprayed mine with a drink really laughing out loud. 
Since I answered the door in a very tight pair of briefs only 
and I’m built like a God, that God resembles Buda 
the God squad nolonger call at my place.
And the land line ain’t plugged in and with held numbers don’t get answered.
Love these calls, I immediately hijack the whole convo to ■■ up their script.
My 4 year old gets given the phone. He’s at that stage where he’ll talk to anyone on the phone and give them the full lowdown of his day at nursery wether they’re interested or not.
It’s gotton ridiculous lately, we signed up to a service that stops the UK based one’s but the off shore ones are under no obligation to comply, and these are the ones that seem to have gone through the roof lately, I suppose I have to admit defeat now as we’ve just set up call screening via the answer machine.
The only downside of this initially was getting through to my dumbass relatives and friends that they are not auditioning for the X factor they are just saying who they are if they want me to answer - You’d be amazed how many of them get stage fright when the automated message kicks in and all you get from them is the brrrrrrrrrr of the dial tone, so I started ringing them straight back and when they answered I’d say “Hi, it’s me returning your call” and then hang up, they soon got the message
Well the Mrs and my self have always been extremely polite to the Jehovah’s who call ,we hadn’t had any knock for yrs ,then since we moved about a half mile away they have called more than once a month again we have been polite and made our religion clear ,but still they come ,the time really has come that I feel the need sadly to be rude or even put some kind of sign up .
Going through my “goth” phase as a teen, I answered the door to God squad. Told them I was a Satanist. They about turned and couldn’t wait to get out the garden.
Another time, put a cold caller on “hold” to some thrash metal.
Invite the JW in - they’ll be so surprised they’ll panic and leave! House hunting with an ex girlfriend we knocked on one house we were viewing for ages and were about to leave as they opened the door. She says to them “don’t worry we’re not JW, we’ve come to see the house.” When we got inside they clearly were JW and it was a rather tense and quick look around
The best cold caller I had was for the World Wildlife Fund. She was very cute and ended up staying much longer than I think she originally planned - overnight in fact and then again the next night when she came back for dinner!
PW
On the phone if i dont recognise the number I usually keep silent & they hang up.
If they start talking I start speaking a celtic language ,they usually then hang up 
Just never tell them what other language you are speaking in, they might learn it !! 
I just answer with " hello, hello Hello? Hello, anybody there?? Hello hello, anybody?" The person on the other end of the line is shouting down the phone to get you to hear them.
With phone calls I just talk a load of rubbish, they soon hang up. With holy Joe’s etc. I tell them to take me off their list,and to leave my property, and its worked.