My step son who is 11 years old has recently been diagnosed with ASD (Autism) so please bear this in mind when reading this.
Right here goes, we dont have a brilliant relationship although I have tried and tried to improve but I just cannot accept the way he speaks to people especially adults he is violent towards his brothers and sisters. I dont hit him or anything like that as he is not my son but I will tell him off and send him to his room. However he has got it into his head that I hate him and he really believes this. I really dont and dont want him growing up thinking that I do im just trying to teach him that some of his actions are unacceptable, my worry is when he is older he will get into a confrontation and end up getting himself in a lot of trouble.
Over the past few months things have got worse, for example yesterday he told his teacher that I had threw a stone at him and laughed when it him. I honestly did not and thankfully his younger brother (who was walking next to me) knew I never and told his Mom that straight away, the thing is on the way to school he said to me im going to get you kicked out, to which I replied how and he said I am going to tell Mom something I said carry on not wanting to cause a big argument in the street which often happens as he will fly of the handle. I haven’t told his Mom this because I dont want her to be in the middle of everything as it would really upset her. I phoned her after I finished my training to say I was on my way home and heard him telling his Mom the same story that I threw a stone at him and his brother saying I never. She know thinks that a stone got flicked up by a car and he has got it into his head that I threw it but as we was walking to school he didnt say anything like ouch or indicate anything had hit him.
I am not perfect, I do shout at him and I can come across aggressive but I would never physically hit him or anything like that. I am very quick tempered and when me telling him off turns into an argument I walk away and often take the dogs for a walk or something to give us both a chance to cool off.
It is not always like this though sometimes I can get him to calm down and talk to him about things but often he just shuts off, I do try and do things with him, I have gone and played football with them in the back garden and every Sunday me and the lads sit down and watch top gear together. Although they are not biologically mine I do love them and want the best for them there Dad is not around any more so I am the only male role model they have. I have a good relationship with his younger brother (not biologically mine) and the younger children are mine as well (biologically).
What is worrying me is what if he says I have hit him or something even worse, this is really worrying me and I am just wondering if anyone else has been in the same situation and could offer me any advise as I want things to get better for all of us.
Please remember that he has autism and struggles with reading peoples emotions and sees the world differently I am not interesting in any opinions that say the kid needs a smack or anything like that so please keep them to yourself, any constructive advise is gratefully received though.
First of all, don’t think you’re the only one who has these kind of situations - it almost sounds like daily life in our house (3 kids)! Kids are also quite fickle but equally quite ‘forgetful’ of (the perceived) bad times when it suits them. The fact that he is your step-son doesn’t really change things either way - you are in the role of ‘Dad’, man of the house, alpha-male or whatever you want to call it and as such, he will take your lead and learn from you, whether he outwardly shows it all times or not.
What I would think would help is letting the ‘interested parties’ i.e. school/teachers and even your partner, know what is happening and so they can take into account relevant info whenever there is a ‘situation’. My wife works in an Infants school and being made aware (by parents/carers) of anything that might affect/influence the behaviour/mindset of the child in class is of real benefit to the service that teachers and teachers assistants can deliver.
My 2 year old boy is coming out with quite a few words now. One of the first things he seemed to master was the ability to go running to mum/dad and complain that dad/mum just told him off. Such a sweet innocent little face . . . . . . such a devious little mind!!
Why you take the Dog for a Walk and not the Boy?
you run away from Problem without sorting it out.
if you would take them to a walk you could show him things you got shown as Boy by your Dad. How to make a wistle from a Branche,and many things more.
Differend Plant and Animals. Talking about anything Man talk together.
Has he got a Girl friend? or what he thinking about his future? You are Bull-Headed against him or some Kind of friend?
I don’t think Friend send another to Bed. or would you send your Dispatcher or Mechanic to Bed?
Well? you would have to talk about that and more with him.
Did you show him where you walk with the Dog? How you do to keep them Yours,and not that his Head gets overhand. well,Children are difficult.But teenager are worst. They are in a Age where they don’t even like themself.
He may also be angry & is taking his anger out on you as you are there as he may of being hoping that his mam & dad would get back together
It not easy being a step parent at the best of times & you dont alway know what to do for the best but you just have to preserver & be there for him as it normally get better does he still see his real dad if so you could try talking to him about the problems you have with him do you have a good relationship with him as this could have an effect on him
Hope things have improved & get a little easier to live with
Wow i really feel sorry for you, i have 5 kids and the eldest who is 12 has high functionong Autism, and sounds exactly like your step son.
Fortunatley for us here in canada the schooling system is far superior to england and they have classes within a normal school called F.L.S Functional life skills programme.
Firstly i hope he is getting all the help school wise, secondly you have to understand that he doesnt process verbal information like we do and never will. he like my son can not interact with people his own age and prob has very poor socializing skills. my son still plays 5 year old games and has a great imagination.
I too am pretty quick tempered bit have learnt over the years what i need to do in those situations.
Firstly always speak in a calm voice and dont be sarcastic or talk down to him it only creats a power struggle, above all stay calm. Yoour facial expressions and body language do most of the talking for you so smile be relaxed, dont frown or roll your eyes, he should respond very well to this. Now of all the times me and my son get in to it i do find that one on one time is excellent and he really likes the attention and man to man talk so try that avenue as well. Does he have his own room? to calm down when he gets emotional, a stress ball maybe? He needs to understand/know himself when he is getting wound up and take a body break and do brathing excercises, this is what the school should be learning him.
sorry if it all comes across a bit muddled up but i dont know where to start and where to finish. you both have a long way to go to make this work, if there are any specific questions you want answers to you can email me direct at ppc25@sasktel.net and if i cant answer it my wife certinally can cause she is a bloody saint and an expert on autism and adhd.
Gud luk and remember there are others like us out there going through the exact same thing.
My nephew has autism, and it does take it’s toll on my sister and b-i-l. He’s very intelligent, and on the go all of the time.
While I’m not trying to sell any of you guys a product she manufactures, do at least take a look at her website in my signature. She came across these while trying to find an aid to the mainstream help that you can get.
She supplies to all sorts of occupational therapists in hospitals and schools, and to private individuals as well. And she exports world wide.
While I’m not saying that it will put an end to your problems, it may be an aid to easing.
quinny has a point there, the use of wieghted blankets and pressure do help some of the times in a calming way for autistic children. it doesnt work for everyone but is worth a try. also and this may sound stupid but they also roll the child up in a carpet or large rug all this stuff helps lots. how does he sleep at night?? we give our son melatonin a natural sleep drug which you can by over the counter. i hope you are coping well and wish you all the best.
This may sound daft but a long time ago I watched a tv prog about a woman who had several kids some of the had autism & a Dr used glasses with a coloured lens ( normally a shade of blue ) for autism a shade of red for dyslexics
An optician may be able to help with this as they can sometimes tell
ppc25:
quinny has a point there, the use of wieghted blankets and pressure do help some of the times in a calming way for autistic children. it doesnt work for everyone but is worth a try.
Absolutely correct.
It’s like every method that is out there for autistic people, some will work and some will not, and every individual will respond to different treatments. I think it’s case of trying things out to see what’s best, but it can be a long process of elimination as my sister found out.
