Great Read Malc 
I just spent 2 hours writting an epic for you and when I submitted it I had to re-log in and lost it all 
It can wait now 
The most irritating man on Earth
On my last job in the UK driving a show truck around, during the summer we would set on temps due to the extra work, this is the tale of one such temp who could make men want to wring his kneck within a minute of meeting him.
The guyâs name shall remain annonymous for his own safety ⌠but it was MICK JOHNSON 
The first day spent working with him we had to set up an indoor display at Stanstead airport. I had parked my truck because it was not needed and arranged for him to collect me at Towcester that day, this was the first annoying thing.
âWhy do I have to pick you up ? why canât you pick me up ?â
âBecause itâs your truck and you are driving past my house you moronâ
I soon realised that he was one of the most dangerous drivers on the planet as I sat in the passenger seat, his cab smelled of rotting socks coming from the sleeper area, he never used the mirrors except to actually reverse, he cut up countless vehicles and when they sounded the horn and stuck up two fingers he would say âWhats eating him ?â in short he drove me to despare in one short day.
After acouple of days off I went into the depot to re-furbish my truck and trailer with supplies, my trailer would not be used for two weeks and the boss came over and asked me to go to Whitley Bay to help set up a huge kit called âThe up and overâ this was a trailer with an inflatable mountain out front and ramps that went up in the air for Ford Explorers to sit on top, it took at least 4 blokes to build it. I was driving up there with Tommy who drove the main truck and trailer and Chez who drove a small day cab full of the inflatable mountain, myself with the front half of my unit that had extra tents and car ports etc. The fourth guy was Mick and I refused to let him in my cab so he sat with Chez who wanted to desert him at the Quernow cafe As we sat in the cafe we discused how to erract the thing and Mick said âBut I donât like heightsâ
Now I ainât too keen at standing on top of a 14â6" trailer and building a steel structure up another 10 feet but it was part of the job and we knew it. Tommy went beserk âWhy the **** didnât you tell solmeone before you left so we could bring someone else ? you know damm well it involves climbingâ
At Whitley we employed a guy off the street who was greatfull to climb up and assist us and Mick set up tent equipment. Mick had a cell phone glued to his ear and when you were struggling and needed his help it was not good to see him ignoring you and yaking to someone else.
Chez and Mick had to stay at the Royal Hotel and Tommy and me used our sleepers, if you ever saw the Royal Hotel there you would know why
Under the hotel was a night club where women picked up guys, not the other way round, it was paradise in that sense but even Mick could ruin things if he came near, he had the most annoying, boring, drone like voice you ever heard.
Next morning he arrived late on site without Chez. when asked where Chez was he said âI dunnoâ
"You dunno !!! " said Tommy, âYou stayed at te same hotel and have one vehicle between you and you donât know, go back and get himâ
Mick wandered off ina sulk. Half an hour after this along comes Chez in his truck, without Mick âWhereâs Mick ?â asked Tommy.
âHe wanted to walk backâ said Chez.
Mick casually strolls up half an hour later, then casually strolls away after Tommy tells him to get lost for the day as he was useless.
That night at the night club we met up with a great mate of mine who later became my best man when I wed Kate. Next day my mate travelled down to a dealer near Sheffield and I drove down with my Scania to help him dismantle and Car port and sound equipment, I had to take the slob with me to help me re-errect the par port at Fords in Widnes next day. Once on our way again I said we would have to find a hotel for him.
âWhyâ he asks.
âBecause you need somewhere to sleep tonight and tomorrowâ I said.
âWhy canât I sleep in the cab ?â
âBecause itâs my cabâ
âWhy donât you use the hotel ?â
âEven if I did I would lock you out of the cabâ
âWhyâ he then sulks a bit and comes up with some woman he is sopposed to be seeing in Knutsford who will put him up and probably give him leg over.
âPoor womanâ I think and set across Snake pass to miss out the M62, he falls asleep but at Knutsford I wake him âWhere does she live ?â I ask him.
âWhere does who live ?â
âYour woman friendâ
âI donât knowâ
âWell whats her phone number ?â
âI donât knowâ
âYou donât know then why the hell have I just driven across those hills to get here if you donât even know the woman, I thought you said you went out with herâ
âNot yet I donâtâ
I drove to Widnes truck stop / flea pit and installed him in a 10 quid a night room that he actually liked That night we went into town in a taxi and entered aback street pub where he continuously annoyed all the locals, at 11.30pm I got a taxi back and left him there expecting to find he had been murdered by some irrate local next day but he was sitting eating breakfast next morning 
This will be continued later before I loose the log in.
Irritating Man (continued)
Friday morning we leave the Roll Inn at Widnes for Fords and set up a Car port and extras on site, I install him in the Forte hotel next to the site and use the shower in his room, I get the strange feeling he is watching through the slatted doors 
I entertain myself at the Ford social club that night then on show day I go to the grab a granny at the hotel he is in, everything is going great untill he comes in and drives all the women away. Sunday evening we take down the show and I find all my Ford flags missing He had given then away We then drive back to Whitley Bay to dismantle the Up and over with Tommy and Chez. Tommy phones to ask when I will arrive as he has Corned beef hash cooking in the kitchen, âBut I donât like corned beef hashâ sayâs Mick.
âItâs not for you Mick, you are in a hotel remember, itâs for me and Tommy who live in the trucksâ
âI donât like corned beef hashâ he repeats.
Next day he is as useless as always and stands around on the phone as we climb up and trake everything down. Back in the night club that night I set all the guys up with women except him because he would ruin everything.
Next day we drove back to base with Mick sitting with poor Chez.
Back at the depot next day I was preparing for a double show, Stithians near Falmouth, followed by Loch Moy near inverness, you couldnât get two shows much further apart in the UK I arrived at Stithians and met some mates from another company who told me that the other Ford trailer was already on his site âWhat other trailer?â
âThe one pulled by Mick Johnsonâ my heart sank
I had to spend another 4 days with this pillock.
I set up on Satrurday and as it was religious ground we couldnât do anything on Sunday, so had a day of leasure on full double time, the bad news was he was with us. At one point we used a taxi to get from one pub to another and he paid the fare, he came over with a grin on his face âThat woman taxi driver gave me her numberâ said Mick.
âYou idiot Mick, the numbers on the side in foot high digitsâ
On leaving the site the following Weds he went first and I left 10 minutes later to find a traffic jam of farm vehicles etc, I walked to the front to find him blocking the road and talking on the phone âGET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAYâ I shouted. Mick drove on to an intersection with 4 ways to go, left for home, right for Falmouth and âNO ENTRY FOR GOOD VEHICLESâ ahead, "STEEP HILL 1in 4 said the sign, he drove right across ignoring the signs because he was on the phone, I drove left and abandoned him.
He arrived back at base 26 hours after me, was fired and I never saw him again
Very good read Pat
Paratrooper !!!
Back in the 70âs and 80âs the was an interfering geyzer on the CB near Milton Keynes called âParatrooperâ, this bloke was a pain in the â â â â â â and was also a 1st class snitch. Paratrooper would inform the authorities about any indescretion anywhere.
One of my mates had a burner in his cab and sat on Newport Pagnel one night when in came the old git in his Reliant van, he thought he was some sort of cop and went over to my mate to ask his CB handle ? he must have noticed the burner because next night BT were there to confiscate it and issue a summons
This guy would make traffic announcments just like an old time police sergeant, in a slow deliberate tome, theâElo, Elo, Eloâ tones and was very annoying because he himself had a burner that wiped everyone out.
I had a particular hatred for him and would wind him up on ever occasion he cropped up. One night myself and Billy Goat were driving past MK when he comes on the air with âA bag of powder has fallen off a lorry on the M25 near Dartford and is in the gast lane, it is acrid to tasteâ
I keyed the mike âACRID TO TASTE ?.. what the [zb] are you talking about you old git ? do you really think anyone driving around the M25 will see that bag and stop and lick it ? ⌠go to bed you pathetic old gitâ
Another time he annonced there was an accident on the Hamburg ring road or somewhere like that, as if anyone in the area of Milton Keynes would be in Hamburg within a day ?
One of the guys that ran the M1 at night was Caveman (No relation to our Caveman) he was excelent at impressions and could imitate Paratrooper to a tee. One night as I was driving north in the MK area I heard what I thought were Caveman and Paratrooper chatting, then Caveman started talking to me âSay hello to Plasticbag Paratrooperâ he said.
I then heard the reply âNo thank you ! I donât like the man, he makes derogatory remarks about me on the CB radioâ
This started an almighty argument between us that went on for miles before I realised the guy was actually Caveman.
Many a good joke was made at Paratroopers expense
One night when roadworks were in force near the services I was running north talking to others when he chirped in âHello Plasticbag, I have you on the scannersâ
âWhat are you talking about now ?â I said.
âI am in te road work control room and have you on the TV scannerâ
âWhy donâ you go home, put on a blue move and have a play ? because you sure need itâ I said.
I wonder what happened to the annoying old sod ? I would think he is dead by now ⌠if he is in the after life I hope they daonât have CB up there
Linda Lovelace
In the 80âs around te bottom end of the Warwick bypass you could pick up a CB user called âLinda Lovelaceâ AKA âWellesbourn Wendyâ this person had the sexiest womans voice you could imagine, but was in actual fact a bloke called âAndyâ, he was so flaming gay you had to see him to believe him. Once you got used to Andy he was a good chat and I often talked over the airwaves as I drove down that way, it would amuse both of us when a stranger was around and joined in thinking the may be on to a good thing with this highly sensual lady
I even met Andy once, with the company of others of course for safety reasons He was a small thin guy with a moustache and had glossy black shoes with a brass buckle, I sat in my cab and he stood outside, he did ask to get in but I actually locked the door to keep him out.
One fine night I was travelling with a newish driver who was good fun but very âgreenâ and once in the area as we talked over the airwaves in chirped Andy. Clive (the other driver was in awe at this â â â â lady who atlked openly about her â â â life and how she loved to please and meet new guys. I could hardly contain my laughter as Clive aranged to meet âLinda Lovelaceâ next night at a spot near Warwick he went on about the date all the way back to the depot and then told the entire night shift who found the whole thing very funny as they all knew who he had been talking to, none of them let on who this â â â â woman was
Next night Clive arrives at work wearing new levis and clean shaven with a stech of brut aftershave looking as pleased as punch because he was going the right way (little did he know the trafiic manager was also in on the secret Off he drove inot the night smiling happily.
8 hours passed and he returned not so happy he climber out of his cab and chased me for half an hour 'You knew it was a bloke didnât you ⌠YOU [zb]
The last time I spoke to Andy he was out in a car after being on a date with some woman, I said âBut I thought you were gayâ
âIâm a lesbianâ he joked.
I wonder if the airwaves around that area still ring with the tones of Linda Lovelace 
if it needs stars to get past the auto censor you know itâs not allowed 
Denis F
pat, got aggravated with Mick just by reading your story. Youâre good, real good.
I know what you mean By the time Iâd finished writting about him I wanted to hit the monitor
Great storyâs pat
Excellent stories Pat, hope there are more to follow
The New Trucks
During the 80âs on Swifts I had the pride of the fleet which I sahred with a guy called âRed Squirrelâ He drove FCT 212V, a red F7 Volvo on dayâs and I drove it on nights, we kapt this truck imaculate, I used to wash it each night with a sponge, even the chassis, you could eat off it
Saddly he was promoted to the office and I lost my great partner and was also teamed up on another F7, a newer one with a blike name Stuart, he was also a great guy and eventually we got the truck even cleaner than the previous one, with various extras added, wind deflector and sunvisor for instance. Stuart then was allocated an F10 and left me to take on another partner who couldnât give a damm about the truck, but I carried on cleaning the truck and was offten praised by management for itâs condition. On day 10 FL10âs arrived and each was given a new set of keys on nights, I was last at the office and was handed the keys to a shinny FL10 and given a load for Coventry depot for my first run. I installed all my gear which took almost an hour and set off with a smile on my face up the M1. I arrived at Coventry and dropped the trailer and then took the paperwork in the office, on return to the truck a starnge guy stood there and asked âDo you want to drive back also ?â
âYes ⌠of course I doâ
âWell Iâll get in the passenger seat then because I have to go with youâ he said.
On arrival back in Northampton I went into the office with the notes and was given a load number for the next run, when I returned to the new FL10 this bloke was tossing all my stuff out What are you doing ?" I ask.
âGetting your stuff out of my new truckâ he said.
I went back in the office and asked what the hell was going on Whereâs my new FL10 ?" I ask.
âHereâs your new truck keys in my handâ sayâs the manager and tosses a set of keys to a 6 year old F10 Itâs a bit of a wreck and as you can get trucks so clean and looking good we awarded you care of it.
I was so damm angry for weeks and never so much as cleaned the mirrors, but finally caved in as it was beyond me to drive a disgracefull truck, within a month this old truck was the cleanest on the fleet.
This just goes to show that when you really keep a truck clean they donât give a damm and it wonât get you a new truck.
Good Story Pat
This just goes to show that when you really keep a truck clean they donât give a damm and it wonât get you a new truck.
I had a similar problem at Norman Lewis tankers Pat, I was never the cleanest but I could keep a truck running and get it home in pieces, with wire and a bit of bodging. I was then doing up to 12 weeks in Europe, so whenever a new truck arrived, I was passed over and told that none of the new blokes can repair their own truck I wouldnt have it any other way though, Now we are not even allowed to change a wheel, never mind think for yourself 
I think I put a stop to drivers changing wheels where I am now I had a flat in Lawrence MA one day and phoned in. âDo you have a spare on that truck Pat ?â I was asked.
âYes, why ?â
âThen change itâ
(zb)* " or words to that effect was my answer, I called out a tyre company who sent my boss a large bill.
On my return I told him I would change tyres for $100 an hour because thats what he has to pay them, no drivers on the company changes tyres anymore.
and again mm
No-one wants to change wheels, but carrying a spare can certainly get you out of the mire. Like blowing a tyre in Italy on a Saturday. I would sooner change the wheel and park somewhere with food and showers, than a layby full of transvestites till Monday
The Smelly Woman
When I worked on the brick job we all used to stop for a cuppa at Swindon truck stop on our way back each night. The truck stop was closed for the night, but Mick (the night attendant) would always make us a cup of rosy lee and we would sit in that very small kiosk and tell a few tales and have a laugh.
One very early Saturday morning four of us were in line along the M4 comming back home with me at the very back. Pete, who was my mate right in front shouted as he went up the slip road for the A 420 that a woman was hitching and he had gone by too fast in the dark so I should stop because it was not the sort of place a woman should be in the dark and I agreeâd so I pulled up to see a not too bad looking lady with aterrified look on her face, she was obviously very scared. As she climbed into the cab I became aware of the worst smell of poop I had ever known, she had obviously pooped her pants in terror, the stanch was unbearable to say the least and my imediate thoughts were how the hell I was going to get rid of her.
âWhere are you going ?â She asked.
âMilton Keynesâ I reply.
âCan I come with you ? ⌠I am afraid of the darkâ She said.
âERRRRR ⌠NO !.. I am not supposed to carry passengersâ
This was a lie because we always carried various members of our family and the company didnât care, but I knew that ten minute with her in the cab would kill me, but I didnât want to just throw her out to poop her pants again.
We had decided that as we were a little alte we would forego the usual stop at te truck stop that night and get home ASAP.
I pulled up on the main road opposite Sainsburyâs and sent her in the truck stop to see Mick Telling her to ask for him and tell him Tom from the brick job sent her I didnât like Tom as you may well guess. The smelly woman climbed out and wandered off toward the truck stop.
The next week Tom was refuse anymore tea from mick and was told to âGet yer tea somewhere else in futureâ
It seems the woman sat in the kiosk for about 4 hours untill the sun came up and the smell was horrednous
If you are still working there Mick, sorry mate, it was me 
Nice One Pat
Biggles
This has nothing really to do with trucking really apart from meeting this guy in a pub I used to park my truck in
In 1992 my first wife and I had split up and She nad taken my Kidâs away without warning THE â â â â â . I eventually found the Kidâs and got the occassional visit and bought them home for weekends and the odd week. My Son who was particularly devoted to his Dad 
I told him I would take him to the USA, his Sister was not interested and I had never flown before, in my heart I hoped he would soon forget this drunken promise He didnât and nor did his Mother âIf you donât take him he will be broken hearted you pigâ we the actual words used, I promised her I would forfill my promise and that weekend I the Bull I was telling a guy at the bar over several pints about my fear of flying and how I dreaded it.
âI own planeâ he said âWhen he come again I will take you up in itâ he said. Being drunk I agreeâd and the next visit my Boy accompanied me to Sywell airport along with Biggles who showed us toward a tiny Cesner 4 seat cardboard box with wings . I climbed in the raed seat with great trepidation and my Son sat in the front with him. We taxied down the field and I felt I would soon be needing fresh underwear. Biggles shot down the runway and pulled on the stick and up we went, my boy with plesure on his 10 year old face, me with my fingers crossed and eyeâs closed tight. âYou can open your eyeâs nowâ said Biggles and I slowly did as he asked, looking around and trembling with terror, then the worst bit came Biggles gave full control to my 10 year old boy and turned to chat to me We went up, we went down, around and up again ⌠very steeply I then asked what I though was a valid question, âWhere is you radar ?â
Biggles smiled âLook around, how many planes can you see ?â
I looked around gingerly, âSixâ I said.
âThen you are the radarâ He replied.
We eventually came to a terrifying landing and believe it or not I genuinely wanted to get back up ther again.
The following week my son and I boarde a Virgin 747 for Boston MA, I watched as other planes stood for 30 minutes or more waiting to take off and thought to myself âWell, I have plenty of time to painc and get them to go back to the terminal to let me offâ NOT SO we went right by the lot and onto the runway and away, I had my eyeâs shut tight again and my son had fingernail cuts in his hands.
After the return trip I couldnât wait to get in one again and now I adore flying.
Thank you Biggles
Nice story pat . A friend of mine owns a
share in a plane and I have been up a few
times with him and would recommend it to
anyone thinking of going up in one.