Earthquake in Liverpool!!
An earthquake measuring 5.7 on the richter scale hit Liverpool last Wednesday morning. The epicenter was Kirkby. Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly around the streets saying “bang out of order” “mental” and “that did me head in”. The earthquake decimated the area causing in excess of £17.50 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of momentoes from Ibiza and Corfu were damanged beyond repair. Three preserved areas of historic burned out cars were also destroyed. Many locals were woken before there giro’s arrived.
One resident, Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 yr old mother of 4 said, “It was such a shock, little chardonnay-Leigh came running into my bedroon crying, and my hands were shaking that much that i could hardly skin up whilst watching little Trisha”
The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers searching through the rubble have found numerous “Elizabeth Duke” sovereigns, benefit books, bone china from poundstretcher and Argos catalogues. Unfortunately they have been unable to save any funiture from crazy George’s as yet.
How can you help?
This appeal hopes to raise money for food, clothing and essentials for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are LaCoste shell suits (his &hers preferably), white sport socks, burberry caps and reebok trainers. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain’s microchips, Aldi beans, Monster Munch and Iceland Pizza’s. Alcohol is also in short supply, especially White Lightning Cider and Carlsberg Special Brew.
Cash donations are also needed. 22p buys a bic biro for signing on, £2.50 buys a jumbo sausage dinner, £3.00 buys a CD (copy of course), £20.00 a fake MOT (Or 10 gallons of red diesel to burn the cars), and £26.00 buys 200 superkings from Tommo who has just got back from Tenerife.
Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
A: Because if it walked it would be mugged.
Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: What’s the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
A: One’s thick and hairy, and the other’s a coconut.
Q: What do you say to a scouser on a bike?
A: Stop Thief!
Q: What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
A: Big Mac and fries please.
Q: What’s the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night ?
A: What are you looking at?
2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.
Time is getting on now and he’s late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
“R hey lad” they say “gissa lift”.
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn’t believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.
He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
“I’ve got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already”.
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool,
pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?” The
bartender nodded,so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass
of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give
Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser,who swaggered into the bar and yelled, “Barkeeper, giv us a lager der la! Hey, is dat God’s Boy down dere?” The barkeeper nodded, so
the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.
As Jesus got up to leave,he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, “For your kindness,you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his
leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Italian felt his backstraighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed,“**** off, I’ll lose my disabiltity benefit!!!”
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL
Air traffic control.
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will
never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world:
“TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.” “Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?” “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!” Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!” Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?” Student: “When I was waiting for takeoff.”
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There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit rough.” Air Traffic Control told the pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The feared seven-engine approach.”
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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What, exactly, was
the problem?” “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant. “It took us a while to find a new pilot.”
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?” Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.” Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?” Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war.”
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?” The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with areal zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.” Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?” Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.” Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?” Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, – and
I didn’t land.”
While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and
how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?” “Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
2004 New Employee Rules & Regulations
Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing £350 Prada shoes and carrying a £600 Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that
you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non
employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open,
and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be
posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders category”.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s
mental health policy!
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for
lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.
The Management
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus’ first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, “How dare you touch my body!! I don’t even know who you are!!” At this the Texan drawled, “Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you but
after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”
There’s a little old lady in an old folks home. On the second floor (where everyone sleeps) the corridor is around the edge and the rooms are in the middle.
One day the old lady gets into her wheelchair and sets off around the edge. On her first time around, a old man comes out of room 90 and tells her she has no registration plate “So can I see your papers, please?” he asks. She hands him a sweet wrapper, he nods, and she sets off.
On the second time around, the old man comes out of room 90 and tells her she is speeding “So can I see your drivers licence, please?” She hands him a sweet wrapper, he nods, and she sets off.
On the third time around, the man comes out of room 90 stark naked with an erection, and the old lady says “■■■■! Not the breathalyser again!”
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and
while sitting at his regular table, he notices a
gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most
expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her,
knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The
waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to
the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over
there.
She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the
man. Her note reads: “For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a
million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in
your pants.”
The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends
a note of his own back to her. His note reads: “Just
so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a
BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I have
over twenty five million dollars in the bank. But,
not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I
cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK!”
Dear Deidre
I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool. My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependant on my two sisters who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the ■■■■ and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of ■■■■■■ on his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time ‘working girl’ in a brothel. However her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiance utilising her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser?
