Managers Versus Employees
does this one look familiar to any of you’s
One night a prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 5 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young
couple in bed. he gets the guy out of bed, and ties him up on a chair, then he ties up the woman on the bed., he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy is a
prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in
prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck.
My darling ,in a minute he may come back and want to have ■■■, please don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, no matter what he asks, no matter how depraved or disgusting just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Think of our relationship, how much we mean to each other, I’ll be right here for you,
Be strong, honey. And remember. I love you”
To which the wife responds, “He was not kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very ■■■■, and asked if we had any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. And remember
I love you too…”
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one,
naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. -
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour ,the manager came out of the office
and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” -
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to
a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen
Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.” -
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
- Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him …A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an
absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is
reading a manual about ■■■■■■ statistics. He asks her about it and she replied,
“This is a very interesting book about ■■■■■■ statistics. It identifies that
American Indians have the longest average ■■■■■ and Polish men have the biggest
average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” He coolly replied,
“Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.”
kitkat:
Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous.
“Mom, I think I’m going to throw up!”She told him, “I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you.”
So Little Johnny hauled ■■■ for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face.
“Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?”
"I didn’t have to go that far, mom.
Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK
[ZB] CLASS 
That’s a belter 
Manchester City boss Kevin Keegan has gone to the Building Society to pay in the days takings,when from nowhere three blokes jump on him and beat him to the floor,then run off with the takings.
Horrified,the cashier tries to revive him:-
“Wake up Mr. Keegan!!” she yells.
"Where am I?"says a dazed Keegan.
"You’re in the Nationwide"replies the cashier.
“Oh, is it the end of the season already??”
Dan.
Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, “Wow, unbelievable!”
Bill woke up and asked, “What’s going on?”
Bob said, “I’ve got to go to the other tent and find my wife.”
“How come?”
“To have ■■■! I just woke up with the biggest (zb) I’ve ever had in my life!”
After a pause, Bill said, “Do you want me to come with you?”
“Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?”
“Because that’s my (zb) you’re holding.”
edited for conent mrs mix
Whats the difference between a traffic cop and a prostitute?
With a prostitute, you can see the (zb)behind the bush.
language edit if it needs stars to get past the censor it’s a good clue it’s not allowed mrs mix[/b]
whilst I have a good sense of humor some of these jokes are getting a bit to close to the delete button
please tone it down
thankyou
pam
site admin
Far away in the depths of the sea, two prawns, Justin and Christian, are swimming in the water. They are constantly being threatened by sharks.
One day Justin says: “I’m bored and frustrated with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten…”
Suddenly a mysterious cod appears and says: “Your wish is granted,” and Justin turns into a Shark.
Horrified, Christian swims off immediately, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time goes by and Justin is bored and lonely as a shark. All his friends dash for cover whenever he is near. So when he chances upon the mysterious cod again he can’t believe his luck. He begs the cod to change him from a shark, and lo and behold, he’s turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swims to his friends and buys them all cocktails. Looking around at the gathering reef, he searches in vain for his old pal.
“Where’s Christian?” he asks.
“At home, distraught because his best friend turned into a shark and became his enemy.” came the reply.
Eager to put things right, Justin sets off for Christian’s house. He bangs on the door and shouts: “It’s me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and have a drink with me.”
“No way!” Christian shouts back. “You’ll eat me. You’re a shark, the enemy. I’ll not be tricked by you.”
Justin cries out in despair: “But I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again, Christian!”
Subject: Beckham latest
More scandal surrounds the Beckhams after recent reports that Victoria had an affair with Michael Jackson whilst in New York.
Jackson has refuted this, claiming he was in Brooklyn at the time.
BryanH:
Subject: Beckham latestMore scandal surrounds the Beckhams after recent reports that Victoria had an affair with Michael Jackson whilst in New York.
Jackson has refuted this, claiming he was in Brooklyn at the time.
top marks for that one bryanh
truckers definition of ■■■. line her up, back her up, back her in,lift the legs connect your lines. release brakes & let rip, tip load,don’t sign anything and [zb] off quick.
i’m at the police station. i’ve been arrested…
possesion of good looks. police say i need an ugly [zb] to bail me out…don’t be long…
You’re starting to push your luck! L. 
Is this the Kit Kat show??
Good ones though Kitty…
Heres one from the Delta Quadrant…
Doctor says to patient," I’ve good news and bad news "
Patient says “give’s the bad news”
" Your legs have to be amputated"
" Gulp! whats the good news"?
" Guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes"
TP
Some Blonde jokes…
If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
“Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”
A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,
“Where did you get that?”
The pig replied,
“I won her in a raffle!”
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
“For best results, put on two coats”.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
"I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!
Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
“I think they could be bird tracks.”
The second blonde went to look and said,
“No, I think these are deer tracks.”
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
“You know, it’s the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer.”
A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,
“You dumb blonde bimbo! It’s blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I’d come out there and give you what’s coming to you!”
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
“I can’t take this, you’re my friend.”
But the blonde insisted saying,
“No. A bet’s a bet.”
Then the redhead said
“Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money.”
The blonde replied
“Well, so did I, but I didn’t think he would jump again!”
A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to dye her hair.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
“Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!”
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
“If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?”
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, “157.”
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
“If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?”
TP
They’re absolute class Tom I’ve seen a lot of blonde jokes in my time but most of those were new to my collection
That one by Dapper was a belter too 
Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!
- Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose grip.
- Keep your head down.
- Avoid a quick back swing.
- Stay out of the water.
- Try not to hit anyone.
- If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
- Don’t stand directly in front of others.
- Quiet please… while others are preparing to go.
- Don’t take extra strokes.
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Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom
Here’s a fun tongue twister.
Read the following list and then follow the instructions at the end.
Read it LOUD and REAL FAST…see if you can do it!
DON’T read the instructions until you get it right!!!
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is fool cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Did ya do it? Now go back up and read the third word in each line starting from the top to the bottom
Thx KitKat,… it could only have come from you, i suppose 
“■■■■” may just be the most powerful word in the English
language.
You can be ■■■■ faced, ■■■■ out of luck, or have ■■■■ for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your ■■■■ together, find a
place for your ■■■■ or decide to ■■■■ or get off the pot.
You can smoke ■■■■, buy ■■■■, sell ■■■■, lose ■■■■, find ■■■■,
forget ■■■■, and tell others to eat ■■■■ and die.
Some people know their ■■■■ while others can’t tell the
difference between ■■■■ and shineola.
There are lucky ■■■■■■ dumb ■■■■■■ crazy ■■■■■■ and sweet ■■■■■■
There is bull ■■■■, horse ■■■■ and chicken ■■■■.
You can throw ■■■■, sling ■■■■, catch ■■■■, or duck when ■■■■
hits the fan.
You can give a ■■■■ or serve ■■■■ on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep ■■■■ or be happier than a pig in
■■■■.
Some days are colder than ■■■■, some days are hotter than ■■■■,
and some days are just plain ■■■■■■■
Some music sounds like ■■■■, things can look like ■■■■, and there
are times when you feel like ■■■■.
You can have too much ■■■■, not enough ■■■■, the right ■■■■, the
wrong ■■■■ or a lot of weird ■■■■.
You can carry ■■■■, have a mountain of ■■■■, or find yourself up
■■■■ creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to ■■■■ and other times you
swim in a lake of ■■■■ and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building
block of creation.
And remember, once you know your ■■■■, you don’t need to know
anything else!
is that it kitkat■■?
here you go lynne,
simon western is ready to divorce his wife
on the ground’s that his kids look nothing like him
just incase you don’t know who he is, he was the welsh lad that was blowen up in the falklands.