Getting caught short

UK PROFESSIONAL DRIVERS FORUMS THE UK PROFESSIONAL DRIVERS FORUM (INTERACTIVE)
61

Coffeeholic:

Coffeeholic on Wed May 12, 2010 6:49 pm:
I’m waiting for the dump in the back of an empty bulker story, surprised it hasn’t appeared yet. :unamused: :unamused: :wink: :stuck_out_tongue:

Express Pete on Wed May 12, 2010 10:23 pm:
Just mentioned this thread to a Tipper driver pal…Said he was in London (near Victoria) last year and got caught short with nowhere to go. So, armed with enough tissue paper he climbed into the body, dropped his kecks and proceeded to do the business. He said he didn’t know what made him turn his head - but when he did, he was looking straight at a bunch of tourists on a open top double decker that was parked alongside him…Rapid exit from one messy trucker :blush:

And there it is, took less than three and a half hours for that old chestnut to raise it’s head. :unamused: :unamused: :wink: :stuck_out_tongue:

That one has been around for so long it must be near retirement age by now. The only variables are the type of bus, the location and whether it was tourists, school kids or nuns.

Wish I was as long in the tooth as you mate (then I wouldn’t get caught out by people telling old stories I hadn’t heard before). Get a life FFS.

62

Express Pete:

Coffeeholic:

Coffeeholic on Wed May 12, 2010 6:49 pm:
I’m waiting for the dump in the back of an empty bulker story, surprised it hasn’t appeared yet. :unamused: :unamused: :wink: :stuck_out_tongue:

Express Pete on Wed May 12, 2010 10:23 pm:
Just mentioned this thread to a Tipper driver pal…Said he was in London (near Victoria) last year and got caught short with nowhere to go. So, armed with enough tissue paper he climbed into the body, dropped his kecks and proceeded to do the business. He said he didn’t know what made him turn his head - but when he did, he was looking straight at a bunch of tourists on a open top double decker that was parked alongside him…Rapid exit from one messy trucker :blush:

And there it is, took less than three and a half hours for that old chestnut to raise it’s head. :unamused: :unamused: :wink: :stuck_out_tongue:

That one has been around for so long it must be near retirement age by now. The only variables are the type of bus, the location and whether it was tourists, school kids or nuns.

Wish I was as long in the tooth as you mate (then I wouldn’t get caught out by people telling old stories I hadn’t heard before). Get a life FFS.

you been on here since feb 2008 and youve never heard that one :unamused:

63

You lot are too posh.
Go spread axle… drop your undercrackers between the first and second trailer axle
Dont forget the Sun, much softer than the Mirror.

64

stevel:
You lot are too posh.
Go spread axle… drop your undercrackers between the first and second trailer axle
Dont forget the Sun, much softer than the Mirror.

That takes me back :smiley: A1 Northbound goin to Eaglescliffe every night.It was very dark and lots of laybys :slight_smile:

65

I was on an Indonesian island named Lombok a few years ago, I was taking a stroll around some paddy fields when I felt a rumble in my guts and thought, oh oh. I had been drinking some fortified wine the night before called Orang tua which means old man and I now know it is a great bowel greaser.

Anyway I really had to go but there was nothing in sight toilet wise and I didnt want to crap in the rice field,so I decided to jump in the river,I whipped of my strides and sat in the water and let rip,I was instantly surrounded by hundreds of tiny fish that began to make the most of this unexpected food source.

Once I was sure it was ok to leave the water I climbed out and got my strides back on and carried on with my walk, about 50 yards down stream I came across an lady washing pots and pans in the river. :blush: :blush:

66

Reminds me of a cousin that drove for Pickfords years ago.
Got caught short on a night out, so he got in the back of the van and had a dump in an empty tea chest.Next day, the porter packing the china had a bit of a shock !!

67

This has been the best thread on here so lets keep it going peeps LMAO :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley: :smiley:

68

Luckily never managed to get caught short while in a truck but I did last year when my car broke down on a small country lane in rush hour. Now there’s two parts to this story so bear with me!

Part 1:
Absolutely dying for a dump and 1hr and 40 mins ETA for the RAC I have to shove my coat over my lap, half squat, half stand in the drivers seat trying to look nonchalant while hovering over a Tesco carrier bag, which I discover to my horror has holes in it (If only I’d have known about the Sainsburys ones!), quick thinking see’s me put my lunchbox underneath (after emptying it) to catch any leakage.

Plenty of cars going past me but I’m pretty well shielded by my jacket and its rush hour so the traffic is moving freely and nobody is paying attention.

I get to the wiping stage and find the only suitable thing to hand which was a newspaper. Now this bit is harder to keep discreet and I try my best but right at that point some idiot on a pushbike decides he wants to be a hero, stops right next to me knocks on my window and says: " 'ello mate, I’m a mechanic, do you nee…" stops dead and his face drops as he see’s me squatting, ripped newspaper in one hand and a coat covering my lap. He jumps on his bike and pedals off giving me a sour look as he does so.

I finish off, very red faced but VERY relieved the job is over and pack the bag and paper into my lunchbox, it doesn’t smell too pleasant so I just pop it at the side of the road in the grass, forgot about it and sat down back in the car to read whats left of my newspaper.

Part 2:
RAC Man turns up and gets to work on the car, finds the problem and says he needs to drain a bit of fluid out, so can I give him a hand jacking it up, which of course I do and its all ready for him to drain, he wanders around the back of his van a few times obviously looking for something.

His Eyes light up, says “Ah that’s what I need, just the ticket” and he runs towards the verge, to my horror he picks up my (ex) Lunch box and rips the lid off, turns to me and says “You got a bag I can tip this stuff into mate…argh…what the zb!..dirty zb’ing zb’s!”

Runs into the back of his van and washes his hands for an absolute age, he was rambling on about it till he fixed the car 45 minutes later, me doing everything I can to avoid giving the game away.

100% true and my girlfriend likes to tell the story as often as she can, funnily enough it was only last night, before I saw this thread she was going through her phone and showed me she’d kept the text message I sent her after it all happened!

69

This may be a bit of wishful thinking, but I have never understood, in this day and age, why the truck makers have not yet designed a passenger seat with a removable seat pad and a cassette toilet installed underneath.

I mean c’mon, if you have a porta potti in your tent or caravan, or even a posh cassette type in your caravan, then it would be no different to empty.

Lets face it, we all gotta take a dump sometime. The only other alternative is a requirement to have a bag fitted when you pass your test :laughing:

70

Can you imagine another driver or agency bod getting into a truck which a less than hygenic trucker hasn’t bothered to dispose of said offending item and slaps a huge turd on the TM’s desk saying “the last driver left this in the truck fella!!” :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

i think that might be why there will be no porta potties in any trucks sometime soon!!

71

can you imagine VOSA’s take on that!

Lets be honest, if there were toilets in the seats how many would actually stop for a dump? We’d have traffic cameras trying to detect the face of a straining trucker, or one with some bog roll in his hand!..and then how would you wash your hands? would you trust the guy who’d driven the motor before you to have?

Nope, lets keep toilets out the cabs thanks!

72

Scarab:
…Lets be honest, if there were toilets in the seats how many would actually stop for a dump?..

:laughing: not sure about you Scarab, but I have never driven from the passenger seat !! :laughing:

I guess it would be more of an owner drivers sort of purchase though.

73

Darby Flyer:
This may be a bit of wishful thinking, but I have never understood, in this day and age, why the truck makers have not yet designed a passenger seat with a removable seat pad and a cassette toilet installed underneath.

I mean c’mon, if you have a porta potti in your tent or caravan, or even a posh cassette type in your caravan, then it would be no different to empty.

Lets face it, we all gotta take a dump sometime. The only other alternative is a requirement to have a bag fitted when you pass your test :laughing:

Do you really want to have a skit in your bedroom■■?

74

If the powers that be changed the law on length limits but only for cabs not trailers you could have a small compartment behind the cab…sort of outside dunny…and on the other side a small shower compartment.

Mind you that would mean giving drivers a bit of comfort, and respect, …That’ll never happen then :exclamation:

75

Deepinvet:
I’ve got a Teasco’s carrier bag costs nowt!!!

They’re ok as long as your ‘offerings’ are good hard turds, but if theres any ‘liquidity’, then watch out for the little breathing holes :astonished: . Better bags are the blue ones you get on the markets :stuck_out_tongue: . I got cut short a couple of months ago, and pulled into a lay-by, mid strain I looked up and there was the sign,'NO DUMPING!, I laughed so much I nearly fell over in it :grimacing:

76

Scarab:
Luckily never managed to get caught short while in a truck but I did last year when my car broke down on a small country lane in rush hour. Now there’s two parts to this story so bear with me!

Part 1:
Absolutely dying for a dump and 1hr and 40 mins ETA for the RAC I have to shove my coat over my lap, half squat, half stand in the drivers seat trying to look nonchalant while hovering over a Tesco carrier bag, which I discover to my horror has holes in it (If only I’d have known about the Sainsburys ones!), quick thinking see’s me put my lunchbox underneath (after emptying it) to catch any leakage.

Plenty of cars going past me but I’m pretty well shielded by my jacket and its rush hour so the traffic is moving freely and nobody is paying attention.

I get to the wiping stage and find the only suitable thing to hand which was a newspaper. Now this bit is harder to keep discreet and I try my best but right at that point some idiot on a pushbike decides he wants to be a hero, stops right next to me knocks on my window and says: " 'ello mate, I’m a mechanic, do you nee…" stops dead and his face drops as he see’s me squatting, ripped newspaper in one hand and a coat covering my lap. He jumps on his bike and pedals off giving me a sour look as he does so.

I finish off, very red faced but VERY relieved the job is over and pack the bag and paper into my lunchbox, it doesn’t smell too pleasant so I just pop it at the side of the road in the grass, forgot about it and sat down back in the car to read whats left of my newspaper.

Part 2:
RAC Man turns up and gets to work on the car, finds the problem and says he needs to drain a bit of fluid out, so can I give him a hand jacking it up, which of course I do and its all ready for him to drain, he wanders around the back of his van a few times obviously looking for something.

His Eyes light up, says “Ah that’s what I need, just the ticket” and he runs towards the verge, to my horror he picks up my (ex) Lunch box and rips the lid off, turns to me and says “You got a bag I can tip this stuff into mate…argh…what the zb!..dirty zb’ing zb’s!”

Runs into the back of his van and washes his hands for an absolute age, he was rambling on about it till he fixed the car 45 minutes later, me doing everything I can to avoid giving the game away.

100% true and my girlfriend likes to tell the story as often as she can, funnily enough it was only last night, before I saw this thread she was going through her phone and showed me she’d kept the text message I sent her after it all happened!

Absolute classic! PSML. There’s no escaping the fact, the best laughs of the lot come straight from the toilet! You did well to keep mum in the face of the RAC man, I reckon I’d have given the game away… :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

77

oatcake1967:
I was on an Indonesian island named Lombok a few years ago, I was taking a stroll around some paddy fields when I felt a rumble in my guts and thought, oh oh. I had been drinking some fortified wine the night before called Orang tua which means old man and I now know it is a great bowel greaser.

Anyway I really had to go but there was nothing in sight toilet wise and I didnt want to crap in the rice field,so I decided to jump in the river,I whipped of my strides and sat in the water and let rip,I was instantly surrounded by hundreds of tiny fish that began to make the most of this unexpected food source.

Once I was sure it was ok to leave the water I climbed out and got my strides back on and carried on with my walk, about 50 yards down stream I came across an lady washing pots and pans in the river. :blush: :blush:

I should have thought that by the time the offending matter reached the lady, the fish would probably have scoffed the lot. I used to have a small cabin cruiser on thr river, and one day, I’d left the portable toilet at home and of course yours truly found his brains melting in a serious way, so I crapped in a bucket and threw it overboard, it was like the scene from one of those James Bond movies, the trap door opens over a big tank full of piranha fish, and the water boils…it has to be said that I was mightily suprised :wink:

78

Used to work for a Multi drop parcel firm, my area was Sheffield. One day got caught short in the outskirts, remembered I had an empty carton in the back so, bin bag inside, and did the business, then taped it up. Now we’d been having trouble on the Manor estate, with Chavs trying to break in the van, so went in a shop for a butty, and left the shutter up. Sure enough a local crackhead sidled up the side of the van, and he was off, I popped my head round the door to shout OIII! for authenticity, ended up I couldn’t eat my butty for laughing. Gave the area a wide berth for a while though.