you walk into the drivers restroom and slam your papers on the desk, everyone stops and looks at you, and you say
“he,s a bit of a dark horse” . they say "who 
"
you say “black beauty” 
or you say
“he,s a hard faced get”
who
“the man in the iron mask”
i love these, got anymore 
another one, same scenario as above
“he,s leaving friday”
“who”
“robinson crusoe”
Do you know? They’re a right pair of pigs!
Who■■?
‘Pinky’ and ‘Perky’ 
Person A: Did you know {insert persons name here] died last week?
Person B: I dont know {Persons name}
Person A: Oh you do know him, You will know him if you see him!
oh god!
Ive heard Jeremy Beadles got a big [zb]
But on the other hand…
simon
how on earth did you manage to get jeremy beadle past the trucknet sensors
Slightly different but when I did bar work a favourite was…
Stand at the bar with a paper in your hand whilst holding a conversation in a very loud voice & whilst standing at different ends of a long bar…
■■■■.
Yes mate.
5 down.
Yes.
Got another letter mate.
Does it look any better ?
No mate it looks worse.
Whats the new letter ?
second one & its a U.
So we got a four letter word & we now have the last three letters right ?.
Yes mate.
And the clues feminine & the last three letters are UNT Right ?
Yes mate but it cant be Aunt can it ?.
Guess who’s in hospital.
Who?
Doctors and Nurses
or sick people
He only comes out at night,
Who ■■
The man in the moon.
OR
He’s beyond repair,
Who ■■
Humpty Dumpty.
I see he’s still with that old bag then!
Who?
Santa Claus
Its a mess.
What is,
Where soldiers have their breakfast.
This one was on Emmerdale tonight.
All courtesy of Tim Vine
“He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.’ I thought 'That’s a turn-up for the books.”
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said ‘Yes, this is my livelihood.’
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'”
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
I went to Millets and said ‘I want to buy a tent.’ He said ‘To camp?’, I said [butchly] ‘Sorry, I want to buy a tent.’ I said ‘I also want to buy a caravan.’ He said ‘Camper?’ I said [campily] ‘Make your mind up.’
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. He said Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
“Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.”
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You’ve been promoted again.’ And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I said ‘I careered off the road.’
I was no good at maths at school. The teacher asked me to draw a square on the blackboard and I drew a circle. He told me I was stupid and to go and stand in the corner. I asked: Where’s that?’
I was reading a book… ‘the history of glue’ - I couldn’t put it down
He’ always wears the same green suit.
Who?
Robin Hood!
found a few more similar.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
So I said, “Do you want a game of Darts?” He said, “OK then”, I said “Nearest to bull starts”. He said, “Baa”, I said, “Moo”, he said, “You’re closest”.
You see I’m against hunting; in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up; I said, "Did you get my drift?”
So I went down the local supermarket, I said, “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, “He’s trying to pull a fast one”.
So I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris”. He said “Eurostar?”.
I said, “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.
So I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”. He said, "How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”.
But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”.
I said, “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.
But I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite… one jar.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said “Not you again”.
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said, “You remind me of a pepper-pot”, I said “I’ll take that as a condiment”.
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he’s a witch.
And I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?”
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought, “That’s a turtle disaster”.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here”
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here”
Dyslexic man walks into a bra…
A seal walks into a club…
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
I,ll tell you what i carnt get over,
a six foot fence…
tell you what i don’t understand…
chinese writing! 