No ticket required for free collection by Border Force or the RNLI, free escort service by the French Navy in their territorial waters for a handover to the British water taxi service.
Free legal aid on arrival, a £300 maternity grant.
I identify as pregnant, where do I get this £300 maternity grant?
no wait. It’s severe belly ache, been finishing off all my cooking before the missus returns back from her mam’s. She throws it away otherwise while wearing a full NBC suit
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You even get the pump 
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To qualify for the £300 maternity grant, get the next available dinghy departing from Calais, throw the passport in the sea, the Border Force or RNLI will pick you up mid channel, on arrival say the magic words of “No speaky Englishi. I claim asylum.”