IRISH ONE LINERS (the light bulb one tickled me!)
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.
He replied in disgust ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!’
Paddy handed his drink back & said ‘Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!’
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks ‘How many people are flying with you?’
Paddy replies ‘I don’t know! Its your (zb) plane!!’
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!’
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts ‘I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!’
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts ‘Paddy you’re mad, go home’ So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
‘Where the hell are you going?’ asks the Foreman.
'I can’t work in the friggin dark! ’ says Murphy.
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing ■■■ Paddy says ‘I wonder how the girls are getting on’
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says ‘You know what I want don’t you?’
‘Yeah,’ says Paddy. ‘The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!’
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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said ‘I don’t think that’s her, she wasn’t that tall!’
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour’s dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says ‘To hell with this!’ & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks ‘What did you do?’
Paddy replies ‘I’ve put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!’
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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
‘Be Jeysus!’ he said, ‘I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!’
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says ‘Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!’
Paddy says ‘What’s his name?’
Mick replies ‘Miles from London !’
(removed)
