It’s a long time since I was troubled by a river crossing, well never happened really, because at Buntine’s there was always either George with his double drive body truck or the Boss, Noel, with his double drive R-Motor on hand. they could drop the necessary number of trailers and hitch us up with a wire rope to pull us through. Just remembered the one I mentioned earlier, in south QLD, and there is a niggle at the back of my mind of another somewhere, but not in Oz.
However, mention by MRM of his mate the funeral director brought back an incident of mine many years ago. When I was doing the Bristol night trunk for Stirlands back in my old home town, Nottingham, it was such an easy and well paid job that I had lots of spare time during the day.
A mate of long standing had inherited the funeral firm of his uncle when he retired and I used to do casual shifts driving a limmo for him from time to time. On Chapel Street, Bramcote there was a small Methodist chapel and the job one day was to collect the coffin from there and take it the 15 miles or so to Derby Crem. I had not been there before but my mate Rob, who now owned the business and was driving the hearse, had been many times so all I had to was follow him. How hard could it be?
The ‘client’ must have been quite popular as 2 limmos were required as well as half a dozen cars. Another mate was driving the second limmo with all the other mourners following on behind. No-one, apart from Rob had been to Markeaton Crematorium before, so all would follow on in respectful convoy the dearly departed.
The hearse drew away from the chapel down to the bottom and turned right on Town Street. Now back in the '50s, what had been a large junction of Town Street, Ilkeston Rd. opposite, and the A 52 Derby Road was a relatively easy concept to deal with. Around 1960 it was decided to by-pass the border towns of Stapleford and Sandiacre and drive a dual carriageway through the hills behind where I used to live. I had a hand in that, as a chainman (surveyor’s assistant) to the engineers (surveyors) on the job and I like to think I made a pretty fair contribution to the enterprise, but that didn’t mean that I knew if a respectful cortege would glide sedately through the old towns or join the brash new by-pass (now Brian Clough Way), to hasten the beloved to eternity a bit quicker.
The junction had been replaced by a a massive new roundabout, called after the pub which still survived to one side, the Sherwin Arms and it had no less than 5 exits. Joining from Town Street the first one was the by-pass, the second the old A 52 then round the others to where I was waiting for the heavy traffic from Nottingham to decrease. Eventually it did and I entered the flow, but where was Rob? He must have got straight out, no waiting, but did he take number 1, the by-pass or number 2, Derby Road? No time to think, the by-pass was immediately on me so I decided to stay on the roundabout hoping that I would glimpse Rob in the near distance. Nothing, he had gone, so I carried on, all the way round, once, then again. By now I was no longer trying to spot him, I was trying to read his mind, speed or respectful glide? I had no idea, so I went round again, and again, panicking now and desperate, what I wouldn’t have given for a cb, or devine intervention. I glanced in the interior mirror, my passengers seemed unfazed, in fact they seemed to be enjoying the magical mystery tour but I sensed that, any moment now they might realise the the sights weren’t changing and I might be faced with a revolt. So I made an executive decision.
By-pass, I chose by-pass, at least then I could arrive about the same time as the stately hearse. Our slow moving convoy which by now completely occupied the roundabout, peeled off obediently at my lead and I got my foot down 40, 50, 60, 70 mph. Have you ever seen a cortege like it? We swept past lorries and cars, all intimidated by our blazing headlights, over the valley that was soon to give itself wholeheartedly to the rapidly advancing M1 (I had a hand in that too later, with George Wimpey) I daren’t go faster, has a funeral cortege ever been flashed down for a mass booking with blue lights? I knew that if we got to the end of the by-pass at Spondon we were doomed. Can you imagine the scene, 2 limmos and half a dozen cars full of men and women in black, pulled up at the side of the road to ask directions?
With a heavy heart I approached the roundabout, but then, joy, a hearse, a real live hearse, I had caught him up right at the 11th hour. All I had to do is keep it firmly in my sights, only as we snaked through Derby seeking the A 52 again towards Ashbourne did I have a fleeting niggle, was I following the right hearse? It could be going all the way the Stoke!
As we pulled up at Markeaton and I then did my bit shouldering the coffin indoors, I muttered to Rob ‘that was a close run thing’. ‘Really?’ he said, 'was it? All innocence. Not once had the silly sod glanced in his mirrors.