When I was working for Frank Hawthorn on a pantechnicon, the loads I used to hate, was plastic sweet bottles, or poly caseing, it was easy to unload, but you had no weight in bad weather, once I got pulled up at Weeden by a policeman at MOT centre, who asked if I was full, which I was with sweet jars for Blue birds at Halesowen, when I pulled on the weigh bridge, they asked me if I was taking the ■■■■. 
hi norman, used to pull into the new inn at weedon for a pint on the way to red lion.
Jimmy M, I know you have to tankup, but it should be the lorry, 
ha ha yeah i know norman. i only met up with one of our other drivers who used to do his drops, head for new inn, swallow a few, well more than a few, then head to red lion for a mega ■■■■ up. there was always a load of half naked women coming off their boats in the summer. yummy yummy. 
■■■ mad you young drivers, you know we would never be like that?
yeah okay norman, got a book from library today called…“1001 ways to shag women on the road” by Norman ingram!!! harry even got 2 chapters to himself. and cris, well enough said, and dave the renegade…mmmmmmmm did all that fit in such a small hole. 
p.s way 234 looks a bit good.ETHEL YOU OUT THE BATH YET 
Jimmy M, I am as pure as the driven snow and Harry is like a monk, I think that is true? or was his ex wives a bit confused, and it was he was always monkying around.
Jobs to avoid, any company with EXPRESS written on the side of the lorry or part of the company name, because the only EXPRESS part of the company is the mug behind the wheel, I think we all know these companies
Now I am retired, When I am on the road in my car, I always make my wife laugh by saying “bloody lorries” they are always in my way. 
norm, you aren’t one of them wrinklies that sit at 35 through the 50mph roadworks on m25 are you?? i got stuck behind 1 other night and he had a lighthouse keepers hat on his head
Yes Jimmy, if it says 50mph I do it , if it says 30mph I do it, if it says 70mph or over, I try to do it, when I had a load of barrels come off on the roundabout over the A1 near Peterborough, a policeman checked my tacho, and said you have shown me a perfect one, are you a angel, no just on a work to rule.
ha ha like that norm. old timer told me story about having a load of bricks coming through stratford-upon-avon. he clipped kerb on roundabout and shot some pallets of bricks onto road. other driver stopped to help him then cop car pulled up. main cop and hendon pup got out car. cop says youve got a problem mate, lets give you a hand, and the cops start to help chuck the bricks back onto lorry. then the pup pipes up, well mate, i’m going to give you a ticket for no number plate on trailer 
then the old timer blew his top, told the pup the driver had enough problems to cope with, and told the pup to ■■■■ off back to the police car and stay there!!! gave him a right bollocking.
One of the biggest laughs I had, was when the police had been hassling a scrap yard own by two brothers, then they went back to the station and parked outside, when they jumped back in the car and put it in gear, they did not move, so they radio the mechanic, he came with another vehicle, and told the offices he knew what the problem was, they said how can you when you have not tried it, he replied you have no wheels. They had been put on bricks, and the wheels was gone, they arrested the brothers, but they had to drop the case for they had no proof. from that day on, every car that came back, went through the rear and behind locked gates! 
Norman. In general, anything that involved work!
Alex
Alex I do not believe you
When I was at school, I was taught that ‘Early to bed, early to rise, made a man healthy, wealthy & wise.’
After 48 years in transport, I hope I am healthy, I dont know if I am wise, I positively am not wealthy!’
They also told me that slavery was abolished!
When I started work, Butter was in 1Cwt barrels, sugar in 2 Cwt bags, flour was in 2 1/4 Cwt bags. So much for slavery being abolished!
The drivers, however told me their philosophy whch was ‘The work is hard, the pay is small! So take your time, and f*** them all!’
I have tried my best to live up to that!
If it doesn’t go on or off with a forklift or a crane, I dont want to know!
Alex
I knew I was right Alex, you loved the job.
i once took a load of dead chickens to the crematorium in aberdeen. i said to the guy he had to burn them so i tipped them off next to some coffins. he said, you cant leave them dead chickens here!!! i said well just sign the paperwork and I’ll be on my way to the boozer up the road. The heaven or hell man said that the chickens were dead and shouldnt be there. I said, well, they don’t give a cluck and neither do I 
P.S. i made that up, it wasn’t aberdeen it was dundee it happened. 
Jimmy M, that was a fowl story, I worked on chicken wagons collecting and delivering, to M&S, Tesco’s when they first opened, Fine Fare, and several other supermarkets that have sold out or closed down.
Worked for Thomas Griffiths out of Barking, used to collect cattle gut in a tipper from Stratford and take it to Croda’s in Market Harborough, was all sorts, dead sheep included, when you opened the tailgate you could not avoid being stood in a foot of gut, you did get used to the smell, but the downside is when you went out scrubbed and brushed on a Friday night and things started to warm up, even a good dosing of Brut could not hold back the smell as your pores opened, the plus side is that it was easy to get to the bar, even when the place was packed. One Sunday was doing overtime, they had loaded my lorry with gut instead of fat, so they loaded another truck and left mine to take up Monday, it was parked outside on a hot sunny day, when I went in at 5 Monday morning the load had risen like a cake, when I got to Croda’s it had rand down the side of the truck and I was a ton lighter than I was when I left.